Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though...

One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage.

Servo

Zero to sixty... in about an hour.

Servo

Oh, my ride's here!

Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus.

Mike

Who left their hair in the sink?

Servo

Things I can do with my spirograph!

When spiders drink too much.

Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of.

The point of view of Helen Keller.

Mike

Why, it's not creeping; this Terror's clipping along just fine!

Servo

[of the monotony of the drive] A very un-involving videogame.

[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib] Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature.

[as baby] No! Get lost!

Servo

Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen.

[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer] Wait, you're gonna put that where?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better!

Mike

[as baby after getting checked] Owwww, you'll pay for this!

Poor baby; you'll feel better soon.

Mike

What about picking him up, or feeding him?

Servo

[as woman] That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself!

Mike

[as the Alien] I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had.

Servo

[as the Alien] Why is everybody lookin' at me?

[flatly exclaiming] My God; what is it?!

This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm.

A cautionary tale.

George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip.

They're dropping off the kids and never coming back.

But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm.

Mike

Poor saps.

Mike

Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts.

Well, now they have nothing to look forward to!

I never want this day to end!

Servo

Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance.

OW, MY SPINE!

I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to...

OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK!

All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay.

I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at Pamida.

Servo

Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging.

Mike

You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen.

Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook.

Given her limitations.

Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner.

Mike

Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma.

But I don't like food!

Look at all the wonderful things to eat.

At restaurants.

It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger.

Mike

Mostly just butter.

Servo

Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana.

That's why I'm burning my bra.

Mike

Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident.

As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is.

Servo

George is clearly shrinking.

The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city.

FREEDOM!

Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it!

Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait!

[towards Tony] Tony; I have reconsidered.

Mike

[as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt] John Steinbeck in Of Mice and Murder.

Tom Servo

[as Tony screams in pain and dies] Rail! Rail against the dying of the-

Mike

She's listening to her to dehumidifier.

Servo

Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements.

12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- [Judy turns off the radio]

Ironing can be deadly.

I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I demand... [begins hitting his palm with his fist]

Ow! Ow ow ow!

Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone.

"Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city!

Just how?

Well, very indirectly.

It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! [shows pictures]

Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is...

Some characters will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling...

No it isn't!

... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear?

It's a vague connection, I admit, but...

Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine?

Would she be interested in the smut picture racket?

Uhhhhh...

Would you like to choose a different category, sir?

Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh...

Yes... I have two daughters... [leaves looking incredibly somber]

And a puppy.

Servo

At least I think they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that.