ServoNew from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series!
Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately.
Servo
Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks!
JAJoel [as drunk Joe]
Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep.
Flask and travel bar not included.
Servo
Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial.
JAJoel [as drunk Joe]
Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink!
Crow Existential void where prohibited.
Servo
Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him.
Tax and license not included.
Servo
You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe.
JAJoel [as Ken]
Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate!
JAJoel [as Barbie]
Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House!
JAJoel [as Donatello]
Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life.
Servo
And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always...
JCJoel, Crow, and Servo
[singing] Try to kill him with a forklift!
[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]
Where have I seen this before?
Servo
Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
Servo
And, we'll be right back, right after this. Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Spike Meta-Monster set, some pieces not included, astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get: 500 Japanese light infantry (valuepartsmaynotbemissing), 36 helpless individuals, 20 tanks, 15 rifles, 24 bazooka gun runners, 18 ambulance chasers,12 fighters (setnotincluded), 16 helicopter parts, 200 shooting crossers, 19 fighting clowns, 6 geese a' layin', 24 Mohawk Indians, and much, much, much more! And now recieve it at half the extra value with this defining monster action pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain. Solid rubber Barugon comes with ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage). Act Now! Act Often and snap on the entire "TOKYO METROPOLITAN AREA" (some parts may not exist). Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Kurobe dam (smaller than shown). Trample the add on "HAPLESS CITIZEN" Play set, then abhor the action with the fabulous "ANTI-WAR PROTEST Pack."But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the "LIGHTS!, GAMERA!, ACTION!" series. There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shaved Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall Apart Voodoo Kenny. Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain. Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim! Please wear rubber underwear! Some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mmmmmmommy! Mommy! Momm-mmmph! [Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]
Let's not do that again, okay? We'll be right back.
Servo
[collapses into big, healthy, frightened tears as Joel consoles him]
Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages.
Servo
Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages!
Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two?
C1Caller 1
I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.
Servo
What a complete wing-nut!
Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great.
Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic.
Servo
Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel?
Servo
Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble?
Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one.
C2Caller 2
[excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!!
Oh, he must mean Dave Moore.
Servo
No, he's on TV 4.
Servo
No, that's a black gospel singing group.
No, that's Moore By Four.
Servo
Isn't that an off road truck?
Servo
No you're thinking of a 2x4.
No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy."
Servo
No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out.
No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant!
[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]
Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
JAJoel [as Dr. Murase]
Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
MDr. Murase
Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
SAServo [as Murase]
Because Kenny said so.
[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]
Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound.
Servo
[defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. [Scoffs]
[looking for his turtle] You there?
Servo
[beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby...
Servo
It's not- Stop it! Shut up!
CACrow [as Kenny]
Tibby! Tibby! SQUISH! Aww, Tibby!
Servo
[getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop!
What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom.
Servo
[gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible!
Servo
[returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes?
[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]
Servo
Uhh...
Hey, Joel, remind you of anything?
[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it] Yeah, it reminds me of this!
CSCrow and Servo
[singing] In the not too distant future- [Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]
Servo
You could get sued for that kind of thing.
I'm gonna sue you for using that song.
[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]
Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom
The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
