Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

That's a lame joke.

Servo

They can call him Ilene now.

Joel

He's hopping mad.

Went out on a limb for that one.

Tom

Looks like it's trying to run away.

I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind.

Servo

Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up.

There's no...

Business like... show business.

... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure.

Servo

Uh-huh.

And...

Yeah? Uh-huh?

... there are...

Servo

Go on.

Joel

We're waiting. Go on.

... no rivers on Mars.

Servo

Oh.

Yes.

And on Venus...

Joel

Yeah?

... it has several hundred degrees centigrade.

Joel

We're waiting.

Servo

It does.

And...

Servo

Yes?

Joel

Go on?

... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with...

Servo

[getting annoyed] SUM. UP.

... frozen ammonia.

Joel

You got a little uh...

Saturn... is also...

Joel

Mhmm?

...the same.

Servo

Get on with it!

Servo

[singing along to the film's score] Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed.

[singing] Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength...

We are filled with shame.

Servo

Ta-da!

Joel

[singing] Now back to our show.

Servo

Sorry.

[as he and Tom meet the two space-girls] Please tell me, what star are we on?

What's the drinking age?

Servo

[whispering] It's a planet.

Tom

How far are we from the Earth?

We call this star, Terra...

Servo

[whispering] It's a planet!

It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth.

So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then?

Servo

[getting annoyed] It's a PLANET.

Tom

I wondered if there was such a star.

Servo

It's a PLANET!!!

Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother!

Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom.

It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and-

I see. Akio's up to something again.

No more sugar for you.

Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know?

No I don't.

But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it?

They are all made up stories!

But mother-

I'm not your mother!

Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a good school.

Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics.

I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!

Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom.

It's Vanessa Redgrave!

Hello Elsa...

Servo

Hello, Inga.

Hello, thank you.

Joel

Hello!

...thank you again.

Servo

Hello.

Thank you.

Joel

Hello.

...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned.

Joel

Thank you.

I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it?

Hello.

No, and there's no use to ask her...

I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me!

...you said space?

Yeah.

Joel

Hello!

...much longer.

Thank you!

So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up.

Servo

Hahahaha...

Hello!

That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you!

Joel

Hello.

Thank you.

...much longer.

Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay.

Joel

Thank you.

I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you!

...please drop in for tea.

Hello.

Thanks, but I'm in a hurry.

I see...

Servo

Thank you.

Bye.

Joel

Hello, and thank you!

Thank you for going.

Joel

Hello.

Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello!

Shut up and keep driving! And thank you!

Hello!

Servo

[laughing] Hello!

There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?

Servo

Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

Sandy Frank presents our own personal hell!

Servo

Indeed.

Joel

Who is that guy?

Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of Star Trek, the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of-

Servo

No no no, it's like the star raider the Daleks had in the fifth generation of the Doctor Who, when they had the three Doctors together, and they had the one that looked like Mo-

No, it's definitely like a Klingon!

Joel

Okay, that's good...

Oh, this is super cool, like that first episode of Battlestar Galactica when they have to leave the planet, and Jane Seymour got stabbed in the back!

Servo

No no no, it's like Invasion Earth- it's like Invasion Earth and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they-

Nuh-uh!

Why do they need so many writers?

Servo

Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs...

Just like that episode, where it was like the Nazi world on Star Trek.

Servo

No no no, it was like Doctor Who, when Tom Baker was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters.

Joel

That's enough.

No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament.

Servo

No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours...

Servo

Oh, I remember this. This is just like in Marooned, when David Janssen goes to save Gene Hackman and James Franciscus in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet...

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Servo

Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and...

Joel

Sex cameraman? Is this a–

Servo

No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel.

How much Keefe is in this movie?

Servo

Oh, Miles O' Keefe!