Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!

Servo

Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?

Joel

Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?

Servo

[screaming] DUCK AND COVER!

Joel

Is right for five points.

Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.

Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.

I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

Joel

Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.

Servo

If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.

Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.

Joel

An epa-- oh, that Genesis album?

Servo

Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.

You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

Servo

Just look at all those books up there [on the shelf]- Leaves of Grass...

Joel

Trump: The Art of the Deal...

Servo

Mein Kampf...

The Essays of Pat Buchanan...

Oh, look! A V-2!

Tom

Aw, I could've had a V8!

Come on, God, why, why, why?! [groans]

Servo

This is-this is a madhouse, a madhouse! [groans]

Joel

Ugh, I never knew mountain time was so slow.

Servo

Please.

Stay with me, baby.

Come on, "stay with me, baby", is that all you can say?! [sobbing]

Servo

Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! [sobbing]

Joel

Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? [pause] WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? PLEASE!!!

[to Ross Hagen] Where ya from?

Servo

Sidehackers.

The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.

If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.

We kill…

Servo

Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.

… and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.

Joel

Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!

You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.

Called "Blood Alley"

No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...

It made you feel happy.

Here comes someone from one direction and...

...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.

Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!

Servo

Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

Servo

It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.

Joel

Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun!

Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more.

Joel

That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me!

Servo

Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.

Joel

[as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story.

Servo

[singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!

Joel

[as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way.

Servo

L is for "Lemur"...

Joel

[as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said!

E is for "eat".

Joel

[as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure!

M is for "monkey"!

Joel

[as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show!

Servo

U is for "unusual"...

...and "unpredictable"!

Joel

[as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go!

Servo

[uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"...

...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]

Joel

[as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo!

Servo

Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur!

Friend to all mankind!

Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

Hey! The rocket!

Servo

[Snorts] Rockets!

On a picnic?

Help me! Hurry up!

Joel

Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!

Servo

Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?

Joel

Yeah.

Servo

Yep!

Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?

Servo

[Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!

They're controlling him.

It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!

Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?

Joel

Um, no.

Servo

Not this kid.

[Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!