[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]
FFelicia
I am working, Mr. Fingal.
Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love?
Whoa! I wanna work in data entry!
FFelicia
Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?!
Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. [rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]
Oh, there's a fly in here.
CCrow
[as the simulation rewinds] What's that? Kill myself? Okay, not a problem. [begins to walk away]
Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love?
MAMike [as Felicia]
This is sexual harassment, and I'm gonna take it!
[Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]
CCrow
Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not.
[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]
FFelicia
Oh, I thought you'd never ask, big boy.
SAServo [as Fingal]
Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy."
[as the Fat Man arrives on scene]
Ah! Hitler! ... or, a guy in a car.
FMFat Man
I see I'm on time.
FMFat Man
I've taken the liberty of arranging for some papers for you, uh, passport, exit visa, that sort of thing.
CACrow [as Fat Man]
And I'm big-boned, by the way.
FMFat Man
Your most recent reports were very positive, Mr. Fingal.
FMFat Man
It would be very wise to think of traveling, and enjoying yourself.
Is that what you're gonna do, Fingal? Enjoy yourself?
MAMike [as Fingal]
Let's just get through the movie.
I don't have to be a big man. It was crazy of me to try reprogramming the HX368.
FMFat Man
Luckily you stopped in time.
[a plane starts nearby]
Da-dum da-dada-DIE! Da-dum da-dada-CRAP!
WWoman
Come on, Fingal! The plane is leaving!
You're gonna spend the rest of your life playing it straight?
FMFat Man
If you'd made anymore trouble for them, Mr. Fingal, they would have been forced to erase your existence here. That would have been most unfortunate.
Yeah? Well maybe I would have found my own way to get out.
[the Fat Man laughs]
CACrow [as Fat Man]
Oops! Sorry, burped up a capon.
... you think he's can't do it?
FMFat Man
I think he's a fool to risk everything for his silly games.
I guess that was what he was doing.
[gasp] Mike, he said "hell!"
FMFat Man
Your plane, Mr. Fingal. You don't want to miss it!
There's nothing more boring than playing it safe, Fingal.
FMFat Man
[opening his car] Let me accompany you to the plane, Mr. Fingal.
MAMike [as Fingal]
You... you anteater!
Better safe than dead, Rick.
That's a matter of opinion.
FMFat Man
Mr. Fingal, they're ready for takeoff!
[throwing the papers at the Fat Man] HERE, FAT MAN, YOU TAKE THE TRIP!
SAServo [as Fingal]
And yes, there's a meal.
FMFat Man
... You're a very foolish man, Mr. Fingal.
FMFat Man
From now on, whatever happens is your responsibility. Is that clear? [signals his driver to leave]
CACrow [as Fat Man]
To Wendy's!
I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear?
SAServo [as Dr. Stefanik]
Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers.
SDr. Stefanik
Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. [Walks away.]
CACrow [as Dr. Stefanik]
I'll go get the cot.
[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. Servo makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]
MAMike [as Driscoll]
What is on these things?
DDriscoll
The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But...
CACrow [as Driscoll]
I have to clean my glasses first.
DDriscoll
Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us...
SAServo [as Driscoll]
My glasses are filthy!
[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]
CCrow
Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!
[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
HDr. Hill
You better watch where you're going!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
CACrow [as Guard]
Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
CCrow
Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
An exhaust system she may need!
[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Preheat!
CACrow [as Prof. Steiner]
Grease and flour cake pans!
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Emission Relay.
Laser Emission Relay… on!
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
PSProf. Steiner
Relay One.
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Really dumb scene… end!
[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
CCrow
Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
CCrow
Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
CCrow
Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
MMakonnen
You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Don't hit him...
MMakonnen
...if you just take the time to look at it.
You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
MAMike [as Makonnen]
You know, Captain...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
CCrow
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
CCrow
I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
LLiara
You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
CCrow
So people are just balloons?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
