[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
CCrow
You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
CCrow
Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
[chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
CCrow
[backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
CCrow
[sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
[gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
CCrow
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
CCrow
It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
I'm actually working on something now.
Really? What's the subject matter?
CACrow [as Paul]
You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
SAServo [as Natalie]
The... thing that it comes to?
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
CACrow [as Yuri]
Yes, we is.
But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
SAServo [as Natalie]
You is a jerk!
[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
CACrow [as Paul]
No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
CCrow
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
CCrow
Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
CCrow
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
CCrow
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!
[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]
CCrow
It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore.
[holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches!
CCrow
Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man!
CCrow
Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god!
[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]
Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head!
[Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute!
CCrow
Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence.
Blech! Don't say essence!
Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm...
CCrow
[choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said!
Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW!
CCrow
Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel?
...I have an intense love for bacon...
...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet.
CCrow
Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great!
[disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves]
Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect?
CCrow
Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so...
CCrow
You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC-
CCrow
Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back!
CCrow
Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines.
Ooh, good point! [chuckles]
[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]
CCrow
[singing] Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.
[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
HHargrove
Morning, David.
HHawkins
Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
HHargrove
Make it a double, will you?
CCrow
Alright, now we're in England.
[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]
[singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
CCrow
Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
CCrow
Oh, I think I know.
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
[gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
CACrow [as Doris]
Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.
[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]
CCCrow [confused]
All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
