Scenes with Crow T. Robot 1,239
[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]
SAServo [as Narrator]
Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
. . .
Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
CCrow
[confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
. . .
Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?
[Harness races at the grandstand]
CACrow [as horse]
Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
SAServo [as horse]
Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
CCrow
[quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee...
Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
CACrow [as boy]
Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
MAMike [as horse]
Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
CCrow
And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
SAServo [as Bob]
Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
CACrow [as Narrator]
The cows are furious!
[As the short ends]
Too soon, the rides are over.
CACrow [as Narrator]
The lawsuts begin.
And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
. . .
CACrow [as one of the Olsons]
You spent your nickel, we're done.
Code Name: Diamond Head (movie)
[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]
CCrow
Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to--
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
MSMike, Servo, & Crow
AAAAAAAAH!
This is so almost Mitchell.
CCrow
It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell.
[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]
[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief] I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face!
CCrow
Hey; we were just reading-
[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him] Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now!
But we didn't- [gets hit by Mike and starts crying]
I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! [jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces] Now that's a done pop!
[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation] Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough!
CCrow
Turn it off; TURN IT OFF!!!
[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
CCrow
[after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
JVJoe [voiceover]
You know, it's fun to have an idea.
MAMike [as Joe]
There, wasn't that fun?
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
MAMike [as Joe]
[luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
SAServo [as Joe]
[nervously] I put them in my underwear!
...the bright glare of a welder...
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
...the sharp whine of the power tools…
MAMike [as Joe]
...the piercing scream of a freshman…
...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
CACrow [as Joe]
[haltingly] These tools are my friends!
What about girls young man? Girls?
Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
CACrow [as Joe]
Then they pants you and drag you around the track…
[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
JSJoe's buddy
Wow, you made this?
MAMike [as Joe]
I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
JSJoe's buddy
Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
JSJoe's buddy
Kinda slow, huh?
Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
CACrow [as Joe]
Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] carpenters.
SAServo [as Mr. Barnes]
[woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] foundry men.
[singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
BMr. Barnes
Tool operators.
CSCrow, Servo
[singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
Would you like some coffee?
CACrow [as Joe]
What is this "coffee"?
JMJoe Moss
[stiltedly] I like coffee!
And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
SAServo [as Joe]
Where is it, your "coffee"?
[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
CCrow
Terror at Sea-level.
[giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
[Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
MAMike [as Beth]
Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
[off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g-- the plane was--!
[sputters unintelligibly]
CCrow
Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
CCrow
What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
CCrow
Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
