Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie] Liar! Liar! Liar!

Why did you leave me?

Joel

You told him to!

Please, hear my plea-

Servo

Not guilty!

-Where can you be?

The audience is frankly stunned.

Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.

I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.

Tom Servo,

Servo

Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,

And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.

Joel

Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.

Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!

Servo

Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.

Joel

Well, how's that?

Servo

A spitting contest! :[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]

Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!

Mike

You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.

Servo

Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?

Mike

Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?

Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?

Servo

Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?

Mike

Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?

Uh, the Beatles!

Servo

You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?

Mike

Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--

Servo

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.

Tom

Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.

Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!

Mike

Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?

[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?

Mike

Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?

Servo

Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts?

So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?

Mike

Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.

Servo

[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.

Mike

We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]

Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?

Should we listen? We're shunning him.

Mike

No, we should listen.

Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.

: If it pleases the court?

Mike

[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]

: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.

You know, it's really true.

Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.

Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]

If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--

[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--

...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.

Servo

Can we just kill him now??

Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--

HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!

Servo

DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!

And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.

Mike

Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.

Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.

Mike

The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]

Servo

I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!

Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!

Servo

Save some for me!

Servo

Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car.

Mike

Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die.

I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes...

...but I just couldn't do it.

Because of the tear in the sprocket holes.

Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long.

When will we be getting married?

Before too long.

Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others.

"All Nude Girls".

Servo

"Whites Only".

...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way.

The paid assassin cruising through town.

Servo

Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami.

Mike

[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich] AAAHHHHH!!!

Why don't they look?

Servo

Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy!

Mike

[sticks lint into his eye] AAHHHHH!!!!

Why don't they-- [Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again] Why don't they look?

Servo

Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until...

Mike

[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face] AHHHHH!!!

Why don't they--

Servo

Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! [wanders off, muttering]

Mike

Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he?

[as the light on the desk starts flashing] Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want?

Servo

Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye!

[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]

Better get her into the kitchen quick!

Tater tots are burning!

Any more girls in there?

The "Extention Of My Manhood" car!

Mike

Your deal with the devil is now complete.

Do you have it in red?

That's a six week delivery, ma'am.