Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

Hey, it's Abbey Road.

Here we come, walking down the street...

[cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!

We are in a crappy film…

We are in a crappy film…

The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.

Joel

Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.

If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?

Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?

(Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.

With strychnine!

Salad needs more butter, Mother!

...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.

But not these people.

They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.

They're not, of course...

Brother seats Junior...

Daughter obsesses with the flowers.

...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.

The less said about this, the better.

Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...

Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.

Please, God, take me now...

Servo

[in a British accent] Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...

They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.

No, I-- I'll just have Saltines.

I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.

Emotions are for ethnic people.

Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.

I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.

Let's go to the flowchart for this.

And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.

Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.

…and they already dislike you enough.

You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!

Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!

Mike

[waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.

A Simmel-Mervay release.

Mike

Starring these people and Chuck Norris.

What, me direct?

Mike

They live in a doll house!

You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.

What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.

Servo

One of 32 short films about... this guy.

Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?

Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!

Servo

Mickey Rourke came over to help.

No inspiration, darling?

I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.

Why would you wanna write him?