Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot.

That's it! A movie lot, big deal.

Yeah, of course.

That explains everything.

The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts...

This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better.

But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony.

Friend, all I want is the exit.

One of these warp pipes should get us out of here.

Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane.

Servo

All I want's the end credits.

Servo

You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time.

Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective.

Joel

That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's The Bubble."

Servo

But, we are watching Arch Oboler's The Bubble, and that's pretty bad.

Joel

Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows.

Look, isn't it about time?

Servo

Uh-oh...

That you face reality?

Joel

Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom.

Reality? What reality?

You're soaking in it.

That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo.

Servo

You make it sound so metal.

I'd rather be in that nightmare.

Joel

This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married.

In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year?

But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of-

Since when haven't I been under an eye?

As a child.

As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job.

Then came army school.

When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore.

Servo

The end!

Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place?

Dull.

The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate.

Joel

And entertainment.

Yeah, even the bomb.

Whoa, that's heavy.

They're walking dead!

Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing.

We're chill.

We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security.

Thanks to ADT.

Well what's wrong with that?

I... I look up there... and I think to myself...

What a bubbleful world!

It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE BUBBLE IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! [runs out of the theater]

Wonder what he wanted.

Taxes.

Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us?

Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading?

I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself.

I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him!

Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers!

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

[comes out of hiding] No!

File an extension!

[stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough.

Really? You were winning.

I'll get the money.

We can Airbnb our hut.

Just don't hurt her.

I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes]

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas.

Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire?

Servo

And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one.

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls.

[to the dragon] Stay off that wing.

[the dragon nods] Alright, mom.

Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest.

And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here.

Don't worry...

I left money for pizza.

You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another.

Thanks to social media.

Third wheel alert.

We're going north. Catch up with us when you can.

I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you?

Joel

Hey, Crow.

Yes, Joel Hodgson?

Joel

I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.

You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?

Joel

It was on 8-track.

Joel

Are they sweating or is that sap?

Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible.

Joel

Oh he's pacing, right?

His boots weren't made for walking.

Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause--

Joel

[horrified] Oh no...

Never mind.

Joel

You don't mean that...

Servo

Ant-orexic.

[laughs] See? Servo got it.

Servo

You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.

I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

Servo

So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?

Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank!

Servo

Oh, that's just a given!

I thought it was deep...

Joel

What did you think, Servo?

Servo

I thought it was pathetic.

So deep, we should've been wearing boots.

Servo

This made flying turtles look good.