A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
[during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman]
[singing to the chase music] Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives!
See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam.
[Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen]
Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em.
[as Batwoman swims through a school of fish]
I'm pretty sure she was in the Aquabats.
Well, she's in Phish now.
Clearly.
[Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp]
Kelp! I need somebody...
Please no. Please no.
I get by with a little kelp from my friends...
No no no, you really shouldn't.
Sorry. I can't kelp myself.
Uuugh!
[Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit]
Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking?
Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato.
[as Dr. Caball gazes out into space]
Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown...
It's only a model.
Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child.
Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child?
Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years.
Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys.
Wait, what?
[to Jason Caball] Let me lead the way.
Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation?
Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices.
I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel.
And I'd definitely film the whole thing for WorldStarHipHop.
WorldStar!
I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits.
And goofy ghosts.
[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask] But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask...
The Misfits logo!
... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies.
Or a Klondike bar.
[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]
For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist.
Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye...
[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]
Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? [Mrs. Kelly opens the door] Michael where are- oh! [Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]
[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]
He died doing what he loved: jazz hands.
[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]
You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!
Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum?
[shot of a skull with its eyes]
Ack ack! Ack ack ack!
[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]
Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my!
Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust.
Like Jake, from Statefarm.
Trust? There's no one I can trust.
Not even Flo from Progressive.
[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]
Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask.
Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks.
Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits.
Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today.
Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan?
[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]
I can't hear you! I'm a book now!
The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you?
[singing] There's a hunger inside you...
And when you put it on again, what will it be like?
[singing] Won't go away...
Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body?
It's grease lightning!
Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?!
Shut up, SHUT UP!
You're killing me with this Word Jazz!
Tell me I'm not right.
That Pam ain't right.
[as Catherine enters labor]
I don't know what to do.
You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache.
Is it?
Oh God, this one's king-sized!
Honey, I'm sorry.
It's too late for that.
What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator.
Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot.
According to Craigslist.
Better be a hell of an obstetrician.
No... just hold it in, please?
Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere.
By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric?
Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him.
What?!
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.