I got it all figured out. When this truck's full I'll drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck, and keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time, one truck at a time. One bag at a time, one truck at a time.
S5Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike
Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
DMDrugstore Manager
How many do you need?
Oh, about...a trillion.
[Monk is trying to have a session with Dr. Kroger, but garbage bags are being thrown into the courtyard]
It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We live 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed. Smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash. Piling up outside, higher and higher...until we couldn't leave the house. [Chokes] We were buried alive. [A bag is tossed] And now it's coming true. [Dr. Kroger does not reply] Dr. Kroger? [After a pause]
Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
[Laughs in disbelief] No.
See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.
Really?
Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label. It’s upsetting my wife, it’s upsetting my children, and I want it to stop!
S5Mr. Monk and the Big Game
[Monk is trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
[Locks his hands] Up you go.
What?
Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Up you go.
Up you go!
Up you go!
Up you go!
I'm just the assistant!
I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"
[With difficulty, Monk hoists Natalie, who just barely peek over the top of the lockers]
Well, higher! [Straining, Monk does so] Oh my God!
What is it?
Oh my God!
Natalie, what is it?
There are footprints!
Footprints... down you go.
Okay, down I go?
Down you go.
Down we go.
PFPrincipal Franklin
Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
The same.
PFPrincipal Franklin
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Well, that's something.
But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Well, at least you got invited to the party!
It was my party, okay, it was my mother!
I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [Starts to head for the door, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
No kidding!
Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Joe Montana? Sure!
Okay, you're not too busy?
No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [Grins, and leaves the office].
[Monk and Natalie are in the girl's bathroom]
You okay?
Girl's bathroom.
What are you afraid of? [Pokes Monk] Cooties?
Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...
S5Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing
[Monk walks into the garage carrying a container of smoke alarms]
Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."
Hey, Mr. Monk.
SCaptain Stockton
Oh, hell, he's back.
Hey, Chucky. You missed a spot. [Comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
SCaptain Stockton
You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?
[The station's call alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately runs for the ladder equipment. Someone hands Stockton a slip of paper]
SCaptain Stockton
House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Captain, I was here first.
SCaptain Stockton
Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away! Don't you think that should take a priority right now?
Uhhhh...
SCaptain Stockton
Don't you?
I don't know.
FFFirst Fireman
Let's go! [The engine starts to drive away]
OK, but I haven't got all day!
[Monk is having his eyes checked after being attacked by Eddie Murdoch at the firehouse]
So, how’s it look, Doc?
JDr. Jackman
Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.
Which means what, exactly?
JDr. Jackman
It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.
[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].
JDr. Jackman
Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]
Monk?
Huh?
It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…
[Sternly] Randy...
So from the 11th to the 13th...
Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.
[At Monk's apartment, Natalie is helping Monk put photos of Trudy back onto the fireplace mantle]
Is it straight?
It’s perfect.
I’ll never see her face again.
Mr. Monk, don’t say that!
Am I crying?
No.
Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. [Walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.
I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [Stops and regains control] Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Like who?
Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…
Yeah?
You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh... Mr. Magoo.
Who’s that?
Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.
Really?
An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
And he was blind?
I don’t wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Me neither.
[Natalie leads Monk to the station and they meet Randy in the hallway]
What's so important, Randy?
I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.
Who is he?
A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.
But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]
Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.
So you found the guy?
We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Did his shoes squeak?
Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.
[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.
JDr. Jackman
I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?
Yeah, it is.
JDr. Jackman
Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.
Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!
Hope. I hate hope’s guts!
Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…
Five-sixteenths of a man.
Thank you, Randy.
Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.
Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.
S5Mr. Monk, Private Eye
[Natalie's desk phone rings]
Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
I'm being kept in a room against my will.
You were kidnapped. Uh, do you know who did it?
Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie... Teeger.
[The camera reveals that Monk is talking on his desk phone]
You can't swim?
To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
You learned to swim by mail?
They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet]
"Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Can I have that back, please?
Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Hello, tsunamis?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.