Monk quotes

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All Seasons  
Season 1
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Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean my stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]
Adrian Monk: [looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]

Adrian Monk: Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get-out-of-town! What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Adrian Monk: Well--
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going rollerblading after?

Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

Adrian Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy Fleming: Breaking and entering?
Adrian Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it's just not possible.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

Dr. Christiaan Vezza: So you're a nurse?
Sharona Fleming: Mmm, I was.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: Where did you intern?
Sharona Fleming: Modesto General.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: So you knew Michelle Bletched?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, oh, my God, yes. [She and Dr. Vezza laugh] �The Wretched Miss Bletched��.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [in falsetto] Attention, everyone! Attention! This is not a drill!
Sharona Fleming: God.
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [imitating Katharine Hepburn in falsetto] Yes, you should hear my Katharine Hepburn.
Sharona Fleming: That's very good. Very good.

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: ...And?
Gail Fleming: And, that's what it's like!

Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Randall Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 40%?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Lt. Randall Disher: So, what's the plan?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
Wendy Maas: No, I like classical.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. Good. Bring him in.

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?
Miranda St. Claire: No.

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Monk: Don't laugh, I just wanted to make sure.
Sharona: Is there a tree by the window?
Monk: Yes.
Sharona: Is there a mobile by the closet?
Monk: Yes.
Sharona:Is there a picture of Trudy on the nightstand?
Monk: Yes.
Sharona:Adrian, you are in your own house.

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.