Monk quotes

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Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I solved the case! Aren't you interested?
Chris Downey: I'm interested. [Monk looks behind just in time to see Chris Downey swing a shovel at his head. Cuts to Downey heaping dirt onto a buried coffin]

Adrian Monk: [as they drive into the mountains] Why couldn't we stay in the city?
Natalie Teeger: Because a man there wants you dead.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Agent Grooms: And that man packs a lot of muscle in the Bay Area.
Adrian Monk: I know that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's why they have a witness protection program.
[Grooms stops the car at a gas station. Stottlemeyer gets out]
Agent Grooms: Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?
Agent Grooms: Okay, Captain, this is not a joke. Tommy Winn has already had two other federal witnesses killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know he has. That's why I'm here. [Natalie gets out behind him]
Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, stay in the vehicle.
Natalie Teeger: No.
Agent Grooms: All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourselves.
Natalie Teeger: Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.
[Monk gets out]
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Agent Grooms: You're safe. That's where you are.
Adrian Monk: How long do we have to stay here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until the deposition hearing on Monday.
Adrian Monk: Six days. [Grooms goes to the gas pump and removes the hose]
Agent Grooms: You're doing God's work. We've finally got Tommy Winn behind bars and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.

Adrian Monk: [examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
Natalie Teeger: It was over 30,000 years ago!
Adrian Monk: Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Natalie Teeger: Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?

Adrian Monk: It's probably people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: (pause) Yeah, Monk, it's probably people.

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy Fleming: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!

Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Adrian Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

Adrian Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb--
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.

Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

Dr. Charles Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Adrian Monk: God help her.

Joe Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Adrian Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.