Monk quotes

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Season 4

Adrian Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!

Adrian Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Adrian Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party, Alice?
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually last?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
Detective Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped this off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." [turns to Alice] You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

Gerald Vengal: I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.

Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]

Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Adrian Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

Natalie Teeger: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
Natalie Teeger: Damn!