Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.
S2 E1Mr. Monk Goes Back to School
[repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."
Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
FTFirst Teacher
That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
FTFirst Teacher
No, we were in different classrooms.
Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
DPDerek Philby
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Oh - um... just making them even.
DPDerek Philby
[highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
But they're even.
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together!
But they're - they're even.
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together.
But they're even...
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together.
But they're even...
[changes the subject]
S2 E2Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
What am I going to eat and drink?
Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
[tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?
[Monk has been presumed dead]
I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
[answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!
LPLt. Plato
Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
LPLt. Plato
They are fiesta beads.
What are fiesta beads?
LPLt. Plato
You don't remember how you got them?
Ahh, no.
LPLt. Plato
Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
[gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
LPLt. Plato
You wore them so... proudly!
[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
He was a thirsty victim...
Adrian.
I mean, the perfect victim.
S2 E3Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame
[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
You're welcome.
SGScott Gregorio
They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.
[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]
Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Okay, here it is!
Don't blink.
[They watch the video.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my...
Oh, my God!
[off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.
[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
SGScott Gregorio
...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.
S2 E4Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Did he understand?
No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Can we just focus on the work now?
OK.
All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Really?
At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
[incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
And who was the victim?
[looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
You're right. What's that mean?
I don't know. What about the cashier?
No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
What's that?
Wood shavings.
Wood shavings?
Sawdust?
Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
What happened next?
Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
What pun is that?
Because of the alley.
Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Is there a circus in town?
A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Sir?
We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Master of ceremonies?
Yeah, the ringmaster.
At the circus?
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
[laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Ooh! You okay?
I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
You have a comfort zone?
Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
I've never seen your comfort zone.
It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Where do we start?
Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
[Monk and Sharona talk to Arianna Dakkar, the horse trainer]
What is your name?
ADAriana Dakkar
Ariana Dakkar.
Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias.
ADAriana Dakkar
Why talk to me?
You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed.
ADAriana Dakkar
Who told you that?
No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table.
ADAriana Dakkar
I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too.
"She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana's demeanour changes]
ADAriana Dakkar
I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public.
Who?
ADAriana Dakkar
Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky.
An acrobat.
ADAriana Dakkar
Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming impliment] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him before, six months ago, but there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.
If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
ADAriana Dakkar
How did you know that?
The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
ADAriana Dakkar
Thank you, Mr. Monk.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.