KKKim Kelly
It's $1000 per week.
Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.
S8Mr. Monk's Favorite Show
[Reading] "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me'."
SDSteven Dorn
That is a figure of speech.
"'She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck.'"
Did you say that? Why would you say that?
SDSteven Dorn
Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.
S8Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man
Can you reach into my pants?
[Long pause] Yes...
Are you trying to impress that girl?
What girl?
The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"
[At a laundromat]
Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.
My whites, excellent.
Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that’s indigo. Left socks, right socks. I’ve labeled them for you.
But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Well, I don’t like to judge people, but that’s wrong.
So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
$200.
LCLaundry Customer
Excuse me, are you using all the machines?
That's right.
LCLaundry Customer
But they're empty.
Samuel Waingaya That is the pre-wash cleansing cycle.
LCLaundry Customer
The pre-wash what?
The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [To Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean?
That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.
S8Mr. Monk and the UFO
[At the hotel the morning after Monk and Natalie see the UFO]
OWOxygen Women
Hi, is this the lobby?
It's right over there.
OWOxygen Women
What's going on here, is there a loser convention in town?
Oh, somebody saw a flying saucer.
OWOxygen Women
A flying saucer?
I know.
OWOxygen Women
The image I saw was a clearly Class IV Intergalactic Doomfreighter. Flying saucer? They're coming for the oxygen. [Pulls an oxygen mask out of her trunk and puts it on] Have the negotiations started yet?
Oh, we haven't heard! [To Monk] I'm going to call the repair shop to see if the car is ready.
Yeah, dial fast, dial like the wind!
You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs. Couldn't you have at least tried?
I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.
You were wincing!
That's my smile. That's how I smile.
[Lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!
[Monk has gone to the sheriff's office in Vintonville to report a UFO sighting]
SFSheriff Fletcher
You saw a UFO?
No. No, I didn't say that.
SFSheriff Fletcher
Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Yes.
SFSheriff Fletcher
Uh, could you identify it?
No, no.
SFSheriff Fletcher
And it was flying.
Yes.
SFSheriff Fletcher
You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.
[The Sheriff's been shot]
SFSheriff Fletcher
One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
All right, Natalie and I will go.
Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
' All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.
S8Mr. Monk is Someone Else
This coffee is horrible. Tastes like BM.
It's iced tea.
Heat it up.
So, you want tea?
No, I want warm iced tea!
[Looking at a photo of Frank DePalma']' Oh my God! It's me!
He's your twin!
That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Who says that?
People... and their doppelgängers.
[Monk is run through Frank DePalma's biography by Agent Stone]
SAgent Stone
You were born and raised?
829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
SAgent Stone
Your first arrest?
October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
SAgent Stone
Your first contract kill?
November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.
[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]
LLola
What was her name?
Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
LLola
Teegerb?
With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. It's French Canadian.
[In the van] Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.