[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Was he part of the heist?
Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
[holds up file] Ka-ching!
[to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
[noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
WLWarren Landis
I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
WLWarren Landis
Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
WLWarren Landis
OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
And you didn't hear anything unusual?
WLWarren Landis
No, sir. I was three floors away.
Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]
[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Jenny, what did you do with the body?
JMJenny Mandeville
I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
JMJenny Mandeville
A hamster.
JMJenny Mandeville
[to Randy] So am I in trouble?
No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
[chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Adrian, I just don't know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm very very proud of you.
No-no-no. I'm very, very proud of you. And it is a big deal.
It's just one weekend. I'll be gone for two nights.
Two nights alone in a hotel?
I might even leave my room.
Would you like to come along? I'll treat.
No. No, I mean it's your vacation.
But it's your breakthrough. And I think it's the first time since you lost Trudy that you're actually looking forward to something.
I am. I'm looking forward.
You know, there is a term for this, Adrian. It's called affirmative reflex. And it's a very, very big step. Okay, it's 3:00. I'll see you next--
Okay, I'll see you on Wednesday.
Whoa, wait-wait-wait. You know, I was thinking maybe we should eliminate Wednesday. And you can come on Monday and Friday.
Yeah, how would you feel about that?
I don't know what to say. That's only twice as much as a normal person. How many times has Harold Crenshaw come?
Adrian, you know I can't talk about another patient.
I'll bet he comes three times a week. Loser.
Adrian, it's not a contest. The important thing is that you're making real tangible progress. And I couldn't be happier. You know, you've been stuck at square one for a long time.
Well then let me be the first to say, welcome to square two.
How many squares are there?
We'll just take it one step at a time.
What square is Harold on?
I understand. He's still on square one, isn't he? Blink twice if I'm right.
...
Tangible progress, can you believe it? That's what he said. Tangible progress. Those were his words.
He said that I was on square two.
HHarold
That's a good place to be.
HHarold
Oh, I don't know, Mr. Monk. I never really thought about it.
Well, I'd say... you were on square... four or five.
HHarold
That sounds about right. But you're catching up. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Are you proud of yourself?
Proud of myself? No, no. That's square-five talk.
[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]
JLJack Leverett
Oh my god. There's another one? What are you guys from some kind of cult?
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are watching the actors playing them in a movie adaptation of "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut"]
APActor Playing Stottlemeyer
[Talking on prop cellphone] Uh, look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [Pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room; the real Randy is embarrassed]
APActress Playing Disher
[Enters] Yes, Captain.
APActor Playing Stottlemeyer
Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
APActress Playing Disher
I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[Gets closer to the Stottlemeyer actor]
APActor Playing Stottlemeyer
Randi, what are you doing?
APActress Playing Disher
I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.
[They start kissing; the real Stottlemeyer and Disher are mortified]
That must have been a traumatic experience for you Adrian. And they cancelled the movie?
He said he wanted to play a character who wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England doing Hamlet.
How about the little getaway you were planning? The weekend away?
[Adrian shakes his head]
All right, okay, maybe another time.
I guess I'm back to square one. [He groans] It's good to be home.
Adrian, please don't be hard on yourself. I think we should go back to three days a week for just a little while. That would be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Tuesday would be four days a week...
[Adrian give Charles a beleaguered look]
Okay, I could see that just until you're back on your feet...
Oh no, Thursday is five days a week, Adrian.
[Adrian buries his head in his hands and moans]
Okay, that way five days a week would be easier to remember...
Well, Saturday is the weekend and I don't like to see patients on the weekends.
Adrian, I have a family and I like to keep the weekend free...
Okay, we'll try that for a weekend or two. So that would be Monday, Tuesday...
Ugh, Natalie. What am I gonna do? The whole city reeks.
I'm starting to get used to it.
You are? Really? Then you're gonna love Hell.
...
Listen. Listen. It's a truck. That sounds like a garbage truck, right?
Mr. Monk, it's not a garbage truck.
They've settled the strike. It's all over! T-turn on the news. Uh. False alarm. It's a...bus.
UBUnion boss
[On TV] All we want-- All we've ever wanted is a fair contract for ourselves and for our families. This union is willing to stay out for as long as it takes. Two weeks! Two months! We will never back down! We will never surrender! It's all his fault.
[Mocking] Jimmy Cusack. Hate that guy. Wish he was dead.
I do. I wish he was dead.
What if something happened to him? You'd feel terrible.
Where's your garbage? [Coughs] Did you just mail your garbage to somebody? These are desperate times, Natalie. [Whispers] Desperate times.
What? [TV announces death of Jimmy] Are you happy?
Wha--? No. Y-you think I did this?
Yeah. I think you did. With your karma! You said you wanted the guy dead.
I was joking. It's a figure of speech.
Well, Mr. Monk, you need to be careful what you wish for. Look. [Points to TV] Because of his death, the union has stopped all negotiations. Nobody's talking. The strike's gonna go on for years. Good job.
Yes, sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.
MRMayor Ray Nicholson
Evacuate?
Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.
MRMayor Ray Nicholson
Uhh....
Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco... from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.
