[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
Is there any new evidence?
No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Randall DisherShe's a shirt inspector.
She swears he's innocent.
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Lt. Randall Disher
Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
You're retiring? How old are you?
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
46.
[in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
What, you have an accountant?
Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.
[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
Probably not.
[to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Randall Disher
I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Lt. Randall Disher
Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
[to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
HGHoward "Gordo" Gordon
Well yeah, they're hers.
But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Captain, what do you think it means?
It means that your boss scared somebody.
[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
WLWarren Landis
I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher
It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
WLWarren Landis
Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher
And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
WLWarren Landis
OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher
And you didn't hear anything unusual?
WLWarren Landis
No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher
Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher
Monk, Nat.
Lt. Randall Disher
What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Lt. Randall Disher
I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher
Uh, no, what drugs?
His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher
Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]
JMJenny Mandeville
[to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher
No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Lt. Randall Disher
Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Lt. Randall Disher
Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
[chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Which is the maximum dosage.
And it was Max's suggestion.
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Lt. Randall Disher
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Lt. Randall Disher
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
LDLt. Disher
According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
PKPatrick Kloster
That's right.
LDLt. Disher
And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
PKPatrick Kloster
Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
PKPatrick Kloster
I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
PKPatrick Kloster
Did she?
She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
PKPatrick Kloster
My wife was an unstable woman.
She didn't seem unstable.
PKPatrick Kloster
I'm sure she was. [Turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
PKPatrick Kloster
And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lt. Randall Disher
And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
PKPatrick Kloster
Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
PKPatrick Kloster
Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
Lt. Randall Disher
[Starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
PKPatrick Kloster
Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.
Monk · 667 quotes
