A character in Monk
Played by Jason Gray-Stanford
Monk · 667 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Monk: in 100 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (74), Adrian Monk (50), Natalie Teeger (40)
[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]
Lt. DisherOh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".
Does he know you?
Lt. DisherNo.
Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Lt. DisherOnly one way to find out.
[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]
[To Natalie] You were right about karma. It is fantastic!
No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Hi...
I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?
I love my work. Is that a crime?
Lt. Disher[Whispers to Stottlemeyer] I think they knew the guy.
Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]
No, not technically...
[Overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't know him; never met him face to face.
Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.
Yeah.
You were following him? I wonder why.
Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Her husband hired us.
Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
[Points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
I know I'm getting even.
So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]
Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.
Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
Prison swirlies.
Lt. Disher[Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?
We use... [Does air quotes gesture] "meat".
Wh— why do you say it like that?
We are required by law to put it in quotes.
Lt. Disher[Examining the cadavers of dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.
Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Lt. DisherYeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Lt. DisherOh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?
Are you trying to impress that girl?
Lt. DisherWhat girl?
The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"
This coffee is horrible. Tastes like BM.
Lt. DisherIt's iced tea.
Heat it up.
Lt. DisherSo, you want tea?
No, I want warm iced tea!
[Looking at a photo of Frank DePalma']' Oh my God! It's me!
He's your twin!
Lt. DisherThat's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Who says that?
Lt. DisherPeople... and their doppelgängers.
You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.
I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.
Lt. DisherYeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Okay, that's a good note.
Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Did I do that?
Just a couple times.
More than a couple of times.
I'd better write these down.
There are no timeouts.
Right.
No do-overs.
No heavy, heavy, sweating.
No, no, no, no.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
Lt. DisherWe, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]
Maybe his name began with a J?
Did you just write that down?
Lt. DisherI put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]
I thought you threw that out!
I bought another one!
Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!
Look who's talking!
That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!
He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]
Julie's a tough kid!
He called her forgettable!
Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Did she know Callie too?
Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]
Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?
[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]
Can we talk to him?
Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
He's-He's my men's room attendant.
It was John Hannigan.
Lt. DisherOh no-
It had to be him. He worked at the theater.
Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Nicotine gum?
Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Why?
You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
[Hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]
Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?
I can't explain it, yet.
Lt. DisherWhat, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]
You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.
Monk About what?
Voodoo. Black magic.
Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff?
Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?
I don't know-
Lt. DisherOh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day. Right? So maybe the killer was waiting, behind that tree with a baseball gun.
A baseball gun? There's no such thing!
Yeah, but there are pitching machines.
All right, how would your baseball gun killer-
Lt. DisherThat's a good name for him actually.
...how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [No response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [Mimics hitting his head with a ball]
[Incredulously] With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?
[Matter-of-factly] Yeah.
Was she that strong?
Yeah, she exercised.
I think voodoo's looking better and better.
All right, let's be rational! We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything!
Except voodoo. [Randy takes a call on his cell phone]
I don't understand! Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?
I don't wanna talk about it!
Lt. Disher[On his phone] We'll be right there. [Hangs up]
Randy, what is it?
Lt. DisherThere's been another doll.
[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]
Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lt. Disher[Looking out the window] She's shaking her head.
It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.
Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]
Heart attack.
Lt. DisherVictim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.
Why's that?
Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case...
Lt. DisherHe's real superstitious.
So I see.
So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-
Lt. DisherSame as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.
"Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
Lt. DisherCould be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lt. DisherThat's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lt. DisherWhat do you think the opposite of a spider?
I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lt. DisherHmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Are you crying?
No, I have allergies.
Lt. DisherIt's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!
I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
As a matter of fact, you are not.
Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Oh, for the love of God, why?
Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
That's all there is [of him].
But he's all... squished!
His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
Lt. DisherWe've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
That's not funny!
Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [More laughter]
Adrian MonkTony Shalhoub · 475 quotes
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
