[After leaving the immaculately clean men's room at the theatre, complete with attendant] I just went to the bathroom.
[Astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
It was magical.
“Mr. Monk and the Critic” · Season 8
In this episode: Natalie Teeger (5), Adrian Monk (4), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (3), Lt. Disher (2), Miranda St. Claire (1)
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]
Where the hell is Randy?
Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
[In disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!
For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]
Maybe his name began with a J?
Did you just write that down?
I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]
I thought you threw that out!
I bought another one!
Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!
Look who's talking!
That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!
He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]
Julie's a tough kid!
He called her forgettable!
Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Did she know Callie too?
Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]
Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?
[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]
Can we talk to him?
Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
He's-He's my men's room attendant.
It was John Hannigan.
Oh no-
It had to be him. He worked at the theater.
Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Nicotine gum?
Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Why?
You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
[Hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]
What's this?
A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Oh, this check's no good.
That's sweet of you to say, but...
No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
I might ask you the same question.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!
Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.