Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

It's $1000 per week.

Monk

Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Reading] "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me'."

That is a figure of speech.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

"'She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck.'"

Monk

Did you say that? Why would you say that?

Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

Samuel Waingaya

Can you reach into my pants?

Monk

[Long pause] Yes...

Monk

Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.

Samuel Waingaya

My whites, excellent.

Monk

Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that’s indigo. Left socks, right socks. I’ve labeled them for you.

Samuel Waingaya

But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.

Monk

Well, I don’t like to judge people, but that’s wrong.

Samuel Waingaya

So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?

Monk

$200.

Excuse me, are you using all the machines?

Samuel Waingaya

That's right.

But they're empty.

The pre-wash what?

Samuel Waingaya

The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [To Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean?

Monk

That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.

Hi, is this the lobby?

Natalie

It's right over there.

What's going on here, is there a loser convention in town?

Natalie

Oh, somebody saw a flying saucer.

A flying saucer?

Monk

I know.

The image I saw was a clearly Class IV Intergalactic Doomfreighter. Flying saucer? They're coming for the oxygen. [Pulls an oxygen mask out of her trunk and puts it on] Have the negotiations started yet?

Natalie

Oh, we haven't heard! [To Monk] I'm going to call the repair shop to see if the car is ready.

Monk

Yeah, dial fast, dial like the wind!

Natalie

You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs. Couldn't you have at least tried?

Monk

I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.

Natalie

You were wincing!

Monk

That's my smile. That's how I smile.

You saw a UFO?

Monk

No. No, I didn't say that.

Oh. So, uh, was it an object?

Monk

Yes.

Uh, could you identify it?

Monk

No, no.

And it was flying.

Monk

Yes.

You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.

One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.

Monk

All right, Natalie and I will go.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.

Monk

' All right. Natalie and I will stay here.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, he can't walk.

Monk

Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?

Natalie

Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.

Monk

Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.

Monk

This coffee is horrible. Tastes like BM.

Lt. Disher

It's iced tea.

Monk

Heat it up.

Lt. Disher

So, you want tea?

Monk

No, I want warm iced tea!

Monk

[Looking at a photo of Frank DePalma']' Oh my God! It's me!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He's your twin!

Lt. Disher

That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Who says that?

Lt. Disher

People... and their doppelgängers.

You were born and raised?

Monk

829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]

Your first arrest?

Monk

October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]

Your first contract kill?

Monk

November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.

What was her name?

Monk

Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]

Teegerb?

Monk

With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. It's French Canadian.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[In the van] Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb".

Natalie

Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.

Monk

[From outside] Sorry.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.

Monk

I'm sorry.

Natalie

Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]

Monk

"I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.

Natalie

Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.

Mr. Monk, are you okay?

Monk

I'm fine.

You were making a noise.

Monk

I don't think so.

Could you read that back, please?

"Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked [sustains] e..."