Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.

Lt. Disher

[Writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

His name isn't Ergo, Randy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.

Monk

Or an ex-cop.

Natalie

Or an ex-cop's assistant.

Natalie

A pirate?

Monk

It's more fun to be a pirate.

Natalie

That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.

Monk

What are we having?

Natalie

Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.

Monk

Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.

Natalie

[Imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!

Monk

Yeah, okay, how is that funny?

Natalie

It's funny.

Monk

Who are all these people, and where are their parents?

It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.

Monk

But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an "off" switch, right?

Monk

I don't think so.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You used to be a fun guy.

Monk

I don't think so.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish! Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?

Monk

Trudy died.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.

Monk

"Alive" is a funny word.

Monk

Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?

What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?

Monk

Yes, yes, I do.

Monk

Roderick Brody changed my life, maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end, really.

Dr. Neven Bell

You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-

Monk

Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?

Dr. Neven Bell

Yes, more or less. Yes.

Monk

What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.

Dr. Neven Bell

Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.

Monk

Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.

Dr. Neven Bell

A note?

Monk

Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this!

Dr. Neven Bell

Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note!

Monk

You don't have to write it. [Pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.

Dr. Neven Bell

Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.

Monk

Maybe you're right. But sign the note!

Dr. Neven Bell

It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!

Monk

I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?

Dr. Neven Bell

Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway, wearily] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?

Monk

[Laughs] No! [He lunges for the note]

I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?

Natalie

Funny crazy.

Monk

[Simultaneously] Sad crazy. [Long pause, then Roderick looks at them, confused] Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [Takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick. Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [Long pause]

[Long pause] So it's sad crazy?

Natalie

No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... tortured him.

Monk

[To Natalie] You were right about karma. It is fantastic!

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.

Monk

Hi...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?

Monk

I love my work. Is that a crime?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No.

Lt. Disher

[Whispers to Stottlemeyer] I think they knew the guy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]

Monk

No, not technically...

Natalie

[Overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't know him; never met him face to face.

Monk

Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.

Natalie

Yeah.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You were following him? I wonder why.

Monk

Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You were following the woman? I wonder why.

Natalie

Her husband hired us.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?

Natalie

He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.

Monk

Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.

Monk

I know I'm getting even.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]

Natalie

Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]

Monk

Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well let's go talk to him.

Monk

Prison swirlies.

Monk

You know how I feel? Liberated. I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.

Natalie

You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.

Monk

You're right. Except me. I won big-time.

Natalie

Are you gonna start singing?

Monk

You know I almost could. You know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna do a cartwheel. [Calls out] I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. I'm gonna do it right here. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.

Natalie

Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

Monk

This is no time for cartwheels. [Starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! [Puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish! One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!

Monk

What is a ghoul?

Natalie

I don't know.

Monk

I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [Tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!

Natalie

What?

Monk

Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [grabs Natalie by her right arm]

Natalie

Yeah, no, thank you.

Monk

Oh no.

Natalie

What is it? What happened?

Monk

Brody. He had a gun.

Monk

Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.

Natalie

Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.

Monk

It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.

Natalie

Plato said that?

Monk

I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.

Natalie

OK.

Monk

That's a nice picture.

Natalie

I took that picture.

Monk

Oh.

Natalie

Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.

Monk

Ha, well, you did it.

Natalie

Actually, I had to Photoshop it.

Natalie

OW!

Monk

OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.

Natalie

All right, I won't.

Monk

What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]

Karl Torini

[Over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.

Natalie

How did you do that?

Karl Torini

Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [Faces them] For example. [Conjures a coin out of thin air]

Monk

[In an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.

Natalie

Yeah, I remember.

Monk

I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.

Harold Krenshaw

I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.

Monk

I can't tell you. It's privileged information.

Harold Krenshaw

No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?

Natalie

I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.

Monk

Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.

Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".

Natalie

Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!