Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.

Monk

I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.

I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.

Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.

Monk

Okay, that's a good note.

Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.

Monk

Did I do that?

Just a couple times.

More than a couple of times.

Monk

I'd better write these down.

There are no timeouts.

Right.

No do-overs.

No heavy, heavy, sweating.

No, no, no, no.

S8 Mr. Monk Takes the Stand

View quote →

Monk

[After leaving the immaculately clean men's room at the theatre, complete with attendant] I just went to the bathroom.

[Astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?

Adrian Monk

It was magical.

View quote →

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]

We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]

Miranda

Maybe his name began with a J?

Did you just write that down?

I put a question mark after it.

[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]

"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]

Monk

I thought you threw that out!

I bought another one!

Monk

Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!

Look who's talking!

Monk

That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.

How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]

Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!

He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]

Julie's a tough kid!

He called her forgettable!

Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.

Miranda

Did she know Callie too?

Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]

Monk

Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?

View quote →

[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]

Monk

Can we talk to him?

Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?

Monk

He's-He's my men's room attendant.

It was John Hannigan.

Oh no-

It had to be him. He worked at the theater.

Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]

Monk

Nicotine gum?

Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.

[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]

Monk

Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.

Why?

Monk

You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.

[Hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

View quote →

[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]

Monk

What's this?

A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.

Monk

Oh, this check's no good.

That's sweet of you to say, but...

Monk

No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.

Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.

Monk

Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.

You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?

Monk

I might ask you the same question.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!

Monk

Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.

No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!

View quote →

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]

Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?

Monk

I can't explain it, yet.

What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?

That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]

You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.

Monk About what?

Voodoo. Black magic.

Monk

Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff?

Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?

Monk

I don't know-

Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day. Right? So maybe the killer was waiting, behind that tree with a baseball gun.

A baseball gun? There's no such thing!

Yeah, but there are pitching machines.

All right, how would your baseball gun killer-

That's a good name for him actually.

...how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [No response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!

Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [Mimics hitting his head with a ball]

[Incredulously] With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?

[Matter-of-factly] Yeah.

Was she that strong?

MSMonk, Stottlemeyer and Disher

Yeah, she exercised.

I think voodoo's looking better and better.

Monk

All right, let's be rational! We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything!

Except voodoo. [Randy takes a call on his cell phone]

Monk

I don't understand! Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?

I don't wanna talk about it!

[On his phone] We'll be right there. [Hangs up]

Randy, what is it?

There's been another doll.

View quote →

[Jorgenson does a cleansing ritual on Natalie]

RJReverend Jorgensen

Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk as he adds ingredients] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. [He adds Mandrake root] Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. [Adds a little more] All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]

Monk

Okay, one second.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Monk

Almost done.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It's symbolic, really.

Monk

There we go.

RJReverend Jorgensen

The forces of darkness are gathering.

Monk

Hold on.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect!

Monk

Wait a second.

RJReverend Jorgensen

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Monk

One second, almost done.

RJReverend Jorgensen

Doesn't...

Monk

Wait one second.

Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!

Monk

Hold on...

RJReverend Jorgensen

She's suffering, Mr. Monk! It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [Grabs the doll from Monk]

View quote →

[Natalie accidentally drinks the potion]

RJReverend Jorgensen

What did you do?!?

What?

RJReverend Jorgensen

Did you drink that?

Yeah, you said it was ready.

RJReverend Jorgensen

You're supposed to rub it on your neck. What, are you mental?

Monk

What do we do?

RJReverend Jorgensen

What? 911. 911! 911!

Monk

Another chant?

RJReverend Jorgensen

No! Call 911!

View quote →

[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]

Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?

[Looking out the window] She's shaking her head.

Monk

It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.

Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]

Monk

Heart attack.

Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.

Monk

Why's that?

Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case...

He's real superstitious.

Adrian Monk

So I see.

So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-

Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.

"Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.

View quote →

[The police station is swarming with activity. A detective drops a box on Stottlemeyer's desk as Stottlemeyer talks on the phone]

No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca ["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [He listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in 20 minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!

Monk

Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]

It's the damndest thing, huh?

Monk

What about the victims? Is there any connection?

No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection. Oh, and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [Takes a surveillance photo of Jorgensen off the board]

Monk

Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?

Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.

Monk

And now Natalie.

And now Natalie. How's she doing?

Monk

Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of those plastic dog funnels around her neck!

Well that can't be good.

View quote →

Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.

Monk

Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.

That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.