LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
AlishaI don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
Alisha
So, what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
Alisha
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Alisha
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
Alisha
What can she do?
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
[Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Alisha
Are you going to pay for them?
Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
I think it's dead romantic, I do.
I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
[Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
[Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
[To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
[Feeling Alisha's hand] It's so weird that I can do this.
Alisha
It's so nice not to have to think about it any more.
Maybe we'd all be better off without them.
I'm saying this random teleporting all over the place, it's a pain in the arse. I mean, what has any of us actually achieved with our powers?
Apart from saving all our lives?
Alisha
We wouldn't need saving if it wasn't for the powers. We don't need to be caught up in all this bullshit.
D'you think it's all right to just flog our powers like that?
I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly living the dream.
You always hated hearing what people thought about you.
That's because most people are two-faced dickheads. I think we should go and see this guy.See how much he offers us. Look, it's worth having a conversation.
You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
You haven't even got a beard!
Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
You're exploiting the vulnerable.
You're taking money of people.
Alisha
Intentionally assaulting girls.
Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.
[After community servers finish singing Little Donkey]
You've seriously lost your cool.
Alisha
Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.
[Swiping a plastic baby doll from the manger] Sorry, Jesus.
I think I'm having another! I think I'm having twins!
What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
You're giving birth to an alien!
[Pulls out placenta stomping on it and spraying everyone with blood] Die!
It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!
Anyway, so... happy Christmas, one and all.
These new powers are bullshit. I thought this power would make me dead clever and everything, but all I know is how to build and design rockets.
I guess it does exactly what it says on the tin.
Except there's no fucking tin with all the instructions on it. No one believes someone like me could be a rocket scientist.
Alisha
Well, you don't exactly look like a rocket scientist.
Maybe I should get some glasses, make me look dead intelligent.
Alisha
What, it doesn't matter that your girlfriend used to be called The Cock Monster?
We've all got a past. I've got... two pasts. All that matters is us, here, now. Do you know what they used to call me at school? The Pussy Meister.
Alisha
Shut up!
I was getting so much pussy, I didn't know what to do with it, just... loads of pussy, everywhere...
Alisha
Will you please stop saying "pussy"?
[To Kelly writing in a notebook on rooftop] What you doing?
Designing a new propulsion system.
Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist!
Ah! Are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one. Mine could be, "Now you see me... now you see two of me."
Why do we need catchphrases?
You know, for when shit goes down, man. Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just gonna spend the next seven weeks ambling about, picking up litter?
Alisha
Yeah, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe there won't be any shit going down.
Oh, trust me, there'll be shit. It's in the air. I can smell it.
[Alisha notices Curtis noticing women in jogging attire and speaks to him with his walkman earbuds in, he pulls out walkman earbuds] What d'you say?
Alisha
I said, "Do you miss it?" The running?
Ain't nothing I can do about it, is there? Why are you even asking?
Alisha
You're in a good mood.
Misfits · 556 quotes
