[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!
We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
AlishaSo, now all we need is a hundred grand.
Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.
[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?
Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!
Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.
The man wants his car washed.
Alisha
He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]
[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!
Alisha
[Calls out to Simon walking by and realizes he can't hear 'cause of walkman earbuds in and she walks in front of him, he takes earbuds out] Hi. I called out. You didn't hear 'cause of the music.
Alisha
Do you want to walk in together? You don't have to, if you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
I'd never be embarrassed to be seen with you.
Alisha
Good. [Gestures to continue walking] Ready?
Alisha
What are you listening to?
Alisha
Never heard of them. [Simon gives her an earbud] Thanks... [she puts it on] This is really depressing.
[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?
Some bastard killed me last night.
No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.
Have you got any enemies?
No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
I can think of a few reasons.
Alisha
Definitely.
See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!
Alisha
Don't speak to him like that.
Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?
Alisha
Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]
I wish I could. I can never reach it.
Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?
I'm not even having this conversation.
'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
This is why people kill you.
The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha
You said you didn't know who it was.
No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
[Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
I was never very good at running.
Is that why you got caught?
Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
[Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
[Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
What do you mean, she killed you?
I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
Alisha
How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
That means absolutely nothing.
Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
Alisha
That's not what we're saying!
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
Alisha
What, and you are? Why are you here?
Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.
Alisha
Yeah, well, maybe I do to.
The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?
[To Simon dressed as a Lucha libre] You look like a proper superhero. [Takes him away glancing at the community servers]
[Referring to Jessica] Nice costume.
Alisha
Er, she looks like a slut.
Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.
Alisha
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
Alisha
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
Alisha
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Alisha
Are you serious?
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
Alisha
Like you give a shit.
That's a good point. See you.
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
Alisha
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
Alisha
Who are you?
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
Alisha
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Alisha
We should all stick together.
This will change everything.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
Alisha
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
Misfits · 556 quotes
