You should do the Lottery. Use your power. See the numbers. Take their trousers down, we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.
Why should I split it with you?
Because it was my idea, you! I'm the brains, you're the stare. Okay. 60/50.
[Chuckles] It's supposed to add up to 100.
Whoa, don't even think about screwing me, [swipes Simon's cheek with paint scraper handle] sweet cheeks! 70/40. Final offer.
I don't get to choose what I see.
Ah! Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being raped here, and not in a good way.
AlishaWhat are you smiling at?
What? Am I not allowed to smile?
Alisha
You look like you just got laid.
Have you just had a shag?
Alisha
Who's the lucky girl?
Can I ask you something? When we were together, was I...
Alisha
What?
Was I... all right? You know, sex stuff?
Alisha
We couldn't actually touch each other, so...
No, no, no. What we could do. Was I shit?
Alisha
No.
That's one of those no's that means yes. [Mimics her voice] "No!" [Default voice] Fucking yes!
Alisha
What are you saying? I haven't said anything.
Yeah, but you were thinking it. Say it. Go on, I want to hear it.
Alisha
No, you don't!
Wait...! Is he better than me? [Chuckles and gestures to Simon on his phone] What, him? He's better than me?!
Alisha
Er, don't talk about him like that!
Alisha
When we're doing it, he's focused on me!
Alisha
No, you just spent a lot of time watching yourself.
Alisha
Oh, really? Look, you were like this. [Mimics masturbation for a moment]
Alisha
Look, this is the reason that girls don't tell boys this stuff. Their egos can't take it.
Oh, so that's another thing that's wrong with me?
Alisha
Oh, here we go!
What is that supposed to mean?
Alisha
Sometimes it's like there's this big fucking cloud just hanging over your head.
Alisha
Oh, really? [Sucks teeth] "My life's shit! Everything's shit! I shouldn't even be here!" Look, if you don't want to hear it, don't ask.
It was you, you've done this to me.
No one needs to know about that. And next time you find a girl unconscious, you don't touch her. You get it?
I was checking on you. Hm? It was you that was all grabbing me, nuh-nuh-nuh, kissing me and pushing me head down. I don't even like doing that. So who's the real victim here?
You never heard the saying, "no means no"?
Yeah, but you didn't say no. You said, "Suck my nipples."
I was spiked! I thought you were someone else. You didn't think it was strange when I started calling you Emma?
People say all kinds of weird shit during sex. I was fucking this bird this one time, right, I'm about to blow my load, and I went, "Auntie!" What's that all about?
You never look a gift horse in the mouth, do you? That's one fine looking gift horse you've got there. [Starts retching and coughing] Oh! Ooh, I've got it. [Holds up a hair]
Alisha
[Laughs] Did you?
For a bloke, he's got a lovely pussy.
[Flipping through papers] What is this? I said it had to be done alphabetically. Since when did J come before H?
Alisha
If I'm so crap, why did you give me the job?
Because you have other talents. [Spins her chair and leans in seductively] Oh, yeah... you are very, very talented.
Alisha
What, you mean I've got nice tits?
Yeah. [Simon enters and Nazi salutes with Shaun waving him off] Yeah... whatever.
You told me to let you know when the prisoner arrived. He's here. The old man we found with the stab wound on the estate, [produces envelope] he had this in his pocket.
Well, put it with the other shit!
[Enters room with Simon and Alisha What's going on?
Alisha
He was just helping me with the computer. You know how shit I am with these things.
Yeah, she is particularly shit.
Alisha
[Leans into him] I missed you.
Yeah? I only went for a piss.
Alisha
I can still miss you, can't I?
See the effect I have on women? [They kiss and Shaun slaps her rear walking past her with Simon leaving]
Alisha
[Chuckles] What gave it away?
I don't smoke either. Why should the smokers get all the breaks? I never got a chance to thank you. For covering for me. Why are you with him?
Alisha
I got caught drink-driving. Um, they were gonna to send me to prison. He got them to drop the charges. You probably think I'm a total slut.
We're all doing what we need to do to survive.
[Led out in hallway by Kelly at gunpoint] You fucking shot me!
Alisha
[Runs into Kelly with Simon in hallway] What are you doing?
I'm busting the prisoners out of the cells and I'll kill anyone who gets in my way!
Alisha
D'you need a hand?
You're shagging him? I thought you liked me.
Alisha
All you ever did was make me hate myself.
Ungrateful little bitch. After everything I've done for you.
Alisha
Oh, will you shoot just him again?
[Hands Alisha pistol] When we're done with him, you can do what you like. [To Shaun] Move!
You're completely surrounded, so I suggest you drop your weapons.
Get behind me. They won't shoot me.
Give it up. We just want him. The rest of you are free to go.
Nah, I'm pretty sure he's lying.
Alisha
'Course he's fucking lying!
So me and you fought the Nazis and I died? They shot you. In this... alternative version of history... me and you, did we...?
Did we shag? No. You kissed me when you gave me the power.
It was all right. So I want this bullshit rewind power out of me. I am done fucking with history. You have to promise me you won't let anyone else have it. Promise, yeah?
I don't wanna die, so... I'll put it in me pet iguana for safekeeping.
I never had you down as someone who'd have a pet lizard.
Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me. I know that you're not the person you make out to be.
You act like you don't give a shit about anyone. That's rubbish.
So what d'you want instead?
I kind of liked being a fuckin' rocket scientist.
[Getting a pop can from vending machine and stops to see Kelly in hallway] What the fuck are you looking at?
Alisha
[Appears with other community servers] Where have you been?
Just been fighting the fuckin' Nazis and kicking the shit out of Hitler. [Walks away]
Alisha
You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?
Alisha
Yeah, and it was weird then.
I never heard you complaining.
[Enters] What's going on? [Looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?
Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]
Alisha
[To Simon] What?
Alisha
What, you think I was watching him wank?
...That's what you used to do.
Alisha
I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [Leaves]
Alisha
Kelly. That's Kelly.
It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.
Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in Face/Off.
Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.
This is more like Freaky Friday.
Alisha
Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?
CCheerleader
[Rudy goes out in hall] Have you got any change for the vending machine?
Just... fuck off! [Runs away] No, no... don't touch me! Don't touch me! Fuck off! Fucking fuckers!
[Walking out onto rooftop] Are you okay?
I was 13. I'd just come in from school, so... I poured myself a nice, cold, nourishing glass of milk. Head into the lounge to watch ]][[w:Blue Peter|Blue Peter, good, wholesome family entertainment. I open the door... and I see my dad. And he is just... he's just fucking the hell out of my mum. Faces all, like, contorted, like that. Like a wild animal. She was dressed like a cheerleader. Little skirt... pompoms, everything.
Alisha
Is that it?
That image haunted me all the way through puberty. I can't even sit down and have a relaxing wank without it popping into my head. Every time I shut my eyes. It scarred me. It scarred me. You know some people are scared of clowns? For me, it's cheerleaders.
Alisha
No one's scared of clowns.
It's called coulrophobia.
Yeah, well, so, imagine your dad is dressed as a clown and he's... fucking your mum, like that.
Alisha
Why would my dad be dressed as a clown?
Well, I don't know what he gets up to in the privacy of his own home, sick pervert, do I? Fucking cheerleaders, man. ooh, fuck.
Misfits · 556 quotes
