[In locker room] Just so you know, Alex, [does air quotes] "from the bar", is so not gay.
Great. I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband. Or, should I say, "civil partner".
[Does air quotes] "Twat"! The thing in the underground car park, he was buying some gear.
So he's a drug addict. He... he is quite a catch.
D'you know what? I really don't give a fuck what he was doing. What's going on?
Oh. God, I'm sorry, yeah?
Rudy[Lunges at Finn and slams him against locker and starts drawing on Finn's upper lip] You little bastard! Draw on my face, will you? You little shit!
Rudy
Fuck off! Little comedy Hitler mustache there.
Rudy
It's fucking payback.
Rudy
Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. Shit.
[Motions to a deeply inebriated woman] Right, there we go! Right, that's a freebie! Pudding is served!
I can't. She... She's wasted.
RRudy
Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It's a bloody loophole is what it is. [Makes gesture] Right, this is your loophole here. You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole. Do you understand me?
Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking drunk girls.
RRudy
[Chuckles] Really, Finlay? Really?
Shit. Right... Right, well, in that case, drink up. Come on.
You're not gonna get laid here, man. You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are, frankly.
Are we going back to the funeral?
Yeah, we're going back to the funeral, come on. [Steps out in hallway over Abbey passed out with Finn fixated on her] Yeah, mate. Eh, I think she's the one for you, ain't she?
Do you think she's all right?
Yeah, man, I think she looks really nice.
I think we should move her.
No, leave her, she's peaceful.
Let's put her inside. Grab her legs.
Fuck's sake! One, two, three... [carrying Abbey into party's apartment] everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through! We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic! Excuse me... can you open that door?
PMParty man
[Opens bathroom door] Cheers, dude, nice one. [Rudy and Finn carry Abbey into bathroom]
Good God, man! You all right there? All right, mate? Yeah. Up we go! Now. [Puts Abbey in bathtub and Finn places a rolled up towel under Abbey's head] Christ! Come on... What are you doing?!
Just making her comfortable!
[On toilet with original next stall] What? So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast?
RRudy
Look, it just seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances. I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I?
What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast. Abby is confused and upset. And what's Jess supposed to think? Dude, you're touching up girls right in front of her.
RRudy
Shut up! Why would I? Why would I care what Jess thinks? 'Cause I fucking... I don't. I do not care, not even a little bit, so just... shush!
Why can't you just admit you like her?
RRudy
For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?
[Rudy walks out on rooftop] Where the fuck have you been?! So is that what's gonna happen if we do have a baby?! You're just going to disappear and leave me to fend for myself?
Rudy
Fuckin' hell. I don't know.
Rudy
No!
That's great! That is very reassuring!
Rudy
Honestly. If you want someone who's going to be a good dad and look after this fucking baby then you've got the wrong Rudy 'cause I'm the shit one! Or don't you remember that?
Rudy
I'm saying it's too fucking much, man. I can't... I just can't handle it. I'm sorry. [Walks away]
FUCK YOU! Fucking coward!
[Rudy is under a motorway flyover with Sam, Karen and Helen sitting after having buried Tim]
What the fuck have we done?
Rudy
Look... look, Tim was out of control... and we have done the right thing! It's the jumper and it has started and still none of you believe me. Well, this is... This is our destiny! [Puts out hand] Come on.
Why not? [Gets up and puts hand on Rudy's hand with Karen and Helen getting up putting their hands on the hand stack]
Rudy
We're getting a better name. We're gonna be unstoppable.
I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.
What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?
Rudy
You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.
I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.
Rudy
I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!
Rudy
[Walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?
I'm guessing it wasn't showering?
Rudy
I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.
She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]
Rudy
[Crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [Crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [Collapses on the floor crying]
Oh, about the future, I've just been.
Erm... You are holding a golf sale sign, for a golf sale that doesn't exist. [Points at Alex] You're still working behind the bar. [Looks at Finn] And you are a trainee probation worker.
Rudy
Honest- Shame on you, Finley! Deep humiliating shame. [Back to Jess] I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I? [she starts to speak] Got 'em! No, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise. Wink twice, for yes.
You win a quid, piss yourself and then you get electrocuted.
Rudy
Colour me disappointed.
I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives as these underachieving fuck-ups, then maybe we should think about actually doing something with our powers.
What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?
No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes. Good ones that do good shit.
Superheroes, I'm up for that.
Rudy
I might have to make a few modifications. Just on me costume... just on account of me- I've got irritable bowel syndrome. And shitting in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.
No offence, but you lot... Superheroes? Fuck it! All right, yeah, let's do it.
Rudy
This could be the start of something huge. I can feel it in me nut sack.
Misfits · 556 quotes
