CurtisWho?
The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
You said you didn't know who it was.
No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
Curtis
[Derisively] Oh, nice.
No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
[Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
I was never very good at running.
Is that why you got caught?
Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
[Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
[Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
What do you mean, she killed you?
I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
That means absolutely nothing.
Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Curtis
Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
That's not what we're saying!
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Curtis
Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
Curtis
Fuck off!
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
Curtis
I sound retarded.
[Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
'Cause you just are, man.
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
Curtis
What was that?
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Curtis
Bullshit.
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
Curtis
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
That's a good point. See you.
Curtis
Where you going?
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
Curtis
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
Curtis
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Curtis
Sign us up.
We should all stick together.
This will change everything.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
Curtis
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Curtis
No!
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Curtis
Close your mouth!
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Curtis
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So, what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
[Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
[Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
This could only happen to you.
Curtis
She was going to cure the world.
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
Curtis
You know it doesn't work like that!
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
Curtis
[Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
[Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Are you going to pay for them?
Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
I think it's dead romantic, I do.
I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
Curtis
[Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
Curtis
No.
Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
[Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
Curtis
Are you okay?
[To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
Curtis
[Feeling Alisha's hand] It's so weird that I can do this.
It's so nice not to have to think about it any more.
Maybe we'd all be better off without them.
Curtis
What're you saying?
I'm saying this random teleporting all over the place, it's a pain in the arse. I mean, what has any of us actually achieved with our powers?
Curtis
Apart from saving all our lives?
We wouldn't need saving if it wasn't for the powers. We don't need to be caught up in all this bullshit.
D'you think it's all right to just flog our powers like that?
I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly living the dream.
You always hated hearing what people thought about you.
That's because most people are two-faced dickheads. I think we should go and see this guy.See how much he offers us. Look, it's worth having a conversation.
Curtis
All right.
You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
Curtis
I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
General Zod took over the world!
Curtis
That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.
Misfits · 556 quotes
