Nathan[Cleaning windows with Kelly and Simon] What if I can talk to animals?
Why would you even think that?
Nathan
I saw this basset hound eating a kebab off the pavement. I was like, "You dirty bastard," and this basset hound gave me a right funny look.
He probably thought you were a twat.
Nathan
No, it wasn't that kind of look. It was more like, "Are you talking to me? "Are you talking to me?" [Sees women walking by with babies] See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. [Elbow nudges Kelly] Belt and braces!
I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!
Nathan
You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.
EEllie
[Giving a pre-reformed addict's lifestyle confessional lecture to a support group on a park lawn] I went with so many boys. And girls, boys and girls at the same time. I took part in... disgusting, perverted, unnatural acts. I was drinking and taking drugs. I used bad language all the time. I called my mum... a “fat bitch”. But I'm not like that any more. I'm a good person.
Nathan
[With community servers on a nearby bench] That... that ain't normal.
She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]
Nathan
Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.
It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?
Nathan
I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".
Nathan
Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
I don't even like cheese.
Nathan
That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.
It's not just her, is it?
Oh, yeah, look there's more.
Nathan
[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]
Nathan
Why are you all dressed like retards?
MMan
There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]
Nathan
Right. Cool.
MMan
See you there, buddy.
He used to be a right headcase.
[To support group] Bring your friends.
They need our help. Things have to change.
She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
Nathan
It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
Nathan
And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]
Wash your hands before you touch me!
Nathan
[Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!
It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.
What, like brainwashing or something?
Nathan
How d'you know that? You don't know that?
When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
Nathan
Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?
I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
Nathan
That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Nathan
Oh no…
Why are you in my bedroom?
Nathan
What did they do to you?
Nathan
Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
Nathan
Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
Nathan
I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]
That was really inappropriate.
[Appears in control room pretending to be one of the “good guys” and Nathan sees him and walks up with a clipboard] Nathan. I'm so glad you're with us now.
Nathan
I'm so pleased to be here. I was such a loser. The drugs, the sex... all that fast food. I was so miserable.
I hear you. You were such an annoying idiot.
Nathan
What's this?
Oh, it's a petition. We're campaigning against contraceptives being given out in schools. Will you sign it?
Nathan
There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves... and that's knowledge. [Curtis chuckles and Nathan sees Rachel walking in a tight skirt and turning around] Please excuse me.
[They've brought up Nathan's coffin and take off lid to see a unresponsive Nathan]
I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.
That does sound like him.
Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.
Nathan
[Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!
Nathan
Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.
Nathan
Ow! Stop hitting me!
Nathan
[Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.
So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??
Nathan
I appear to have shat myself.
Were you having a wank in there?
Nathan
So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?
I was trying to save you.
Nathan
Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
D'you want some chewing gum?
Nathan
Tutti frutti?
Nathan
Man, that was a bad scene in there. I thought I was going to starve to death.
You're immortal, you can't starve to death.
Nathan
You're an expert, are you?
So, what are you going to do now?
Nathan
I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal. Catch you later? [Walks away]
Nathan
[In recreation centre locker room] So, my mum opens the door and she's like, "Argh!" I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted. Faceplants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.
Nathan
Yeah, she's fine. She's fine. Apart from the whole face. Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.
How did you explain it to your dad?
Nathan
I told him I faked my own death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.
Nathan
I could ask you the same thing.
I'm the probation worker.
Nathan
Oh. [Offers handshake] Nathan. Nathan Young.
They told me you were dead.
Nathan
Really? [Takes pulse on neck] Apparently not. Could a dead man do this? [Starts dancing and bumps into locker door] Oh! Jesus!
Well, I'll put you back in the system.
Nathan
Hold on. What? Are you saying I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up here, no-one would've come looking for me?
We thought you were dead. [Walks away]
Misfits · 556 quotes
