[Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?
She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.
What, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!
She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.
NathanYou're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]
Don't walk away! This is on all of us!
I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]
Nathan
[Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Nathan
Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.
Nathan
So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?
Nathan
Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
Nathan
"Monkey slut".
We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!
Nathan
What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]
We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.
It's the new probation worker. It's always the probation worker.
Nathan
That dead chick was the other probation worker's fiancée. What if this new one's his brother?
He's white. Tony was black.
Nathan
Er, adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.
[Lucy appears unexpecting to see the community servers]
Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]
Nathan
Hey!
[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.
Nathan
[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.
Nathan
Kelly!
[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]
Nathan
Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]
Nathan
She's got me! Get her off me!
[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!
Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]
[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.
Nathan
Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!
I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.
Nathan
There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?
I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]
Nathan
Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!
Right. I will see you tomorrow.
Nathan
Good one! Very convincing!
[Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!
You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]
[After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?
[Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!
Nathan
Get some cheese!
Nathan
So, basically, he's had a blow job off your girlfriend and you haven't?
Shut up, man. It wasn't her.
Nathan
It looked like her.
Nathan
It had her mouth.
Nathan
Who cares about her brain when your balls are resting on her chin?
[Points hurling stick in Nathan's face] Say another word! I dare you! Do it!
Nathan
I didn't do anything! [Refers to Simon] Be angry with him!
I didn't know what was happening. She just... Then she... before I knew it, she was-
Nathan
Sucking your cock!
You didn't know it wasn't Alisha! You should've stopped her!
Nathan
C'mon, man! Be serious! That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless! That's how girls trick you into marrying them!
Nathan
I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.
I don't think you should do that.
Nathan
We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.
And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?
Nathan
They did it in The Godfather.
They put a horse's head in the bed.
Nathan
Well, have you got a horse's head?
Nathan
Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!
Nathan
Okay, look. I know it's too late for me and you. I get that. I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!
Nathan
My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Nathan
How very convenient.
It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!
Nathan
No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs!
Nathan
This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off. That's fine! Whatever...
Nathan
And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear!
Nathan
[Scoffs] He's standing right there!
What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I've just had to go and identify his body. [telephone rings] Look, this is his mother. I've gotta talk to her.
Nathan
You're dead?
Nathan
So how come I can see you?
JJamie
I guess it's 'cause you're immortal?
Nathan
No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no, I can fix this! How do I fix this?
Nathan
I don't want you to die, mate!
JJamie
It wasn't down to you. So don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!
Nathan
So, if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly?
JJamie
I wanted you to sort things out with dad.
Nathan
Look, no offence, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!
Right. Put all this shit in that skip.
Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?
Put all this shit in that skip, please.
Nathan
Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.
I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]
For a coffee and a Danish.
Nathan
Smug bastard.
Nathan
[Affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.
Nathan
Anything.
I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.
Nathan
Tell me about your first sexual experience. Do you want to hear about mine? It was a family camping holiday. One of my mum's friends came with us, and one night, I felt her hand sliding into my sleeping bag, like a warm, friendly snake. Hmm! Then she grabs my cock and starts wanking me off. She had lovely little hands. Like a midget's.
Nathan
Shh.
Nathan
You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that. Feel my heart. It's racing. It's okay, it's okay. I'll be gentle. Why don't we slip your trousers off? It's okay, we don't have to fight any longer. I want to see it!
Argh! [Gets up and walks away]
Nathan
Simon. Simon, don't go. We don't have to go all the way - we can just cuddle. And when you're ready, we can do some dry humping. Call me!
I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you?
Nathan
Well, you know I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.
It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.
Misfits · 556 quotes
