Hey guys... nuclear submarine power's out.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?
Yeah, I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a... in a friggin' submarine for...
[drops bucket of beans] Fine, how about I starve to death. How's that? [passes gas] Excuse me! Ugh, these boots are killing my feet! [removes boots, exposing sweaty, smelly feet; passes gas] These feet sti... [vomits all over himself]
Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler: [submarine door opens] Hi guys. Sooo uh... let's hear this new album.
Hey, I have those same shoes.
Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]
Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.
Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.
Yeah, it's true.
Fish, huh?
This one's called Murmaider!
It's about mermaid murder.
Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!
Electric Eelchair!
Yeah!
Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.
Yeah!
Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!
YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!
[Toki's song in the liquid oxygen submersion chamber] Underwater friends! You are my underwater, underwater friends! Yeah, you're my best friends now, so let's all cheer!
FFish
Yeah, we gotta come down here once a year!
I pees in liquid oxygen, I breathes my own pee. It tastes like coffee 'cuz I had some effin' coffee before I comes down here to say underwater!
[emerges from the water gasping and gurgling] Not safe! Not safe! [vomits liquid oxygen] There's monsters!
Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.
Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?
[mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.
Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.
Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.
Awesome.
Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.
Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.
A birthday party for Murderface?
Where is it going to be? In a toilet? In a bus station?
Oh, that's brutal.
Can you believe, right off the top of my head, just making up like thats?
Wait a minute! The guy's a nihilist, what does he want a birthday for?
MSMurderface's E-vite
Inside, outside, up or down. Show up if you want, who gives a piss?
Oh, fuck me! We're going to have to get him a gift!
GDr. Gibbons
William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core. His self-loathing is expressed most publicly and unequivocally through bodily mutilation, tattooing, alcohol abuse, and coprophilia. He blames others for his anger. He misplaces his rage and its roots. He seeks punishment, castigation, and excommunication. This self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child. This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity, should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
Or maybe, like, we get him an endangered species, and then, we could kill it? That'd be cool.
I just read about this thing online you can buy a star and name it. Like, what if we named it, like, Mulhalmad Ali, the black prizefighter? That would be his gift.
Fuck you.
Wait a minute! I got it - we'll give him the blackest most meaningless gift of all.
The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]
QDQueen of Denmark
This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!
Was he murdered?
QQueen
No.
How much did it cost?
QQueen
This is an -
Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?
QQueen
He's asking for your autograph.
[grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]
PHPrince Henrey
OW!
The Dutch are scum.
FFan
[looking at Murderface's cake, which is coated with a silver frosting] Dude, is that metal frosting? That's amazing!
Please do not sample the frosting, it is made of... MERCURY! You will die!
This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.
I love sausage festival!
Wait, what..
Like in Vienna.
No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.
Yeah, that was good.
Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
The sausage?
Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.
I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party. And as you all know, no party is complete without a birthday party clown. And we have one of the finest Rock N' Roll clowns around, so please...put- your hands tog- you know, here comes the Rock N' Roll clown.
[enters siding in on his knees] K-K-K-K-K YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [crowd moans: Murderface looks annoyed] I'm Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown! I do cocaine! K-K-K-K-YEAH! I hear it's somebody's birth-day! I do cocaine! Dr. Rockso gonna make you a balloon bass.
[whispers] I seriously do... a lotta cocaine. [louder] Try it out! Wait a minute, I think someone's outta tune. Just a little more. [turns the knob, which swells until it pops in William's face -- he looks furious] You popped a string! Hehe! I do coca- [Murderface strangles Dr. Rockso and shoves the balloon bass down his throat, then sets the Klokateers on him. The Klokateers viciously stomp Rockso.]
And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!
Oh, you suck! You all suck!
Awwww, what's wrong?
Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.