Skiwsgaar quotes from Metalocalypse

[awed gasp] What's this place called?

Skwisgaar

This is, I believes, called food libraries.

[Skwisgaar and Toki practice saying the phrase "Food Library".]

It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.

Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!

What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

Yeah!

Wowee!

[reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?

OOld Lady

In what?

Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!

OOld Lady

[shocked gasp]

Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]

Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]

WWorker

... No -

- Aaaah! That's a yes.

[reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?

Skwisgaar

[throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.

You a lady, Skwisgaar!

NO I'M NOT!!!

2 cups of rice...

Brutal.

Okay hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?

CClerk

Yes sir.

That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.

Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.

SSkiwsgaar

I loves to laugh. [romantically] Hi.

OWOld woman

Hi.

Skwisgaar

Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]

See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.

Put in the ingredients into that thing there.

Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]

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SSkiwsgaar

Dudes, we would, like, have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.

Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.

Whoa! That's a good song title.

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Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.

I'm telling you he's crazy.

How could you say something like that? He's a genius.

Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.

Wait, we can do that?

Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

SSkiwsgaar

Can we's fires ourselves?

Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.

Can we give ourselves a raise?

Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.

Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.

SSkiwsgaar

Ja, I give me a raise too.

I give myself a solid gold telephone.

I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.

Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.

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Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you.

I'm sorry, what?

Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!

Hold on for a second, I am your therapist.

SSkiwsgaar

I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.

Don'ts you wants a banana sticker?

We won't be needing your banana stickers.

We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...

You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU! [slips on a banana sticker and flies out the window] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he falls several stories and lands on the ground] I'm still alive! I'm still- [the yard wolves appear] AUUGGGHH ...