Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
MPMashed Potato Johnson
We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
My GOD, I have let myself go...
You have put on a few pounds lately -
You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
JJohnson
You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
JJohnson
'Dis here where the blues began. Right here where we standin' Blind Harlan Davenport killed his wife, bury her in that chicken coop right there. That night he recorded "Wife Gone on a Funeral Train Blues." Next mornin', the po-lice shot him in the eye 52 times... [later] This is where Smokey Toe Brown was savagely beaten for sleepin' wif his neighbor's wife, shortly before he recorded "Train Leavin' This Station Blues". They say his ghost come back to life and kill his neighbor, pitchfork his intestines and hung them on a tree... [later] Everybody knows Shorty Turlingtop made a deal wif the devil. He was hit by a train at this exact spot. As his head traveled in the air, he wrote "Blues Train Blues".
Alls they sings about is trains!
JJohnson
Is there anything else really to talk about? Heh heh. Come on...This here's where Mustard Tits the Murder Master Brown slaughtered 22 men just for bein' ugly, heh. He went on to record "Here Come That Train A-Comin' Blues".
Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.
JJohnson
Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!
Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!
Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!
JJohnson
Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!
Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Academy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!
Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.
JJohnson
Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
JJohnson
That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
[Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
JJohnson
That's close... one more time, try to play this!
[He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
JJohnson
Alright, let's try somethin' else.
[Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
JJohnson
Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
BDBlues Devil
I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
BDBlues Devil
Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
