Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
S9A War For All Seasons
(after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?
S9Your Retention Please
OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
You hear that, Charles?
The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
(Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
Army... Career...
I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
BBJ
Come on, you gotta be kidding.
Gentlemen please it's impolite to laugh at the senile.
What'd he say?
BBJ
Loss of hearing is the first sign.
Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.
S9Tell it To the Marines
And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.
Klinger, come with me.
Klinger, you will do no such thing.
I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
My God, I've been traded.
Thanks for the lovely peasant.
S9Taking the Fifth
BBJ
Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
BBJ
No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
That's what I'm counting on.
(Charles is in the shower)
So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Do I still have a palate?
I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
For--! My last offer was thirty.
Consider it a cost of dying increase
I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Try a little more soap.
But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '37 Bordeaux. Your taking advantage of me. You know I'm an eonophile.
Hey talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?
Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.
(Hawkeye and BJ in the Mess Tent)
Well Beej what do you think this is? (Shows him letters)
BBJ
You've been drafted.
Their greetings all right from three nurses with no ounce of self respect. One of whom is in striking distance of sharing a delicious Bordeaux.
BBJ
And a tasteless Pierce.
Get your water ready. This might set the tent on fire. (reads first letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I think your contest is a wonderful idea. I really love good wine and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you. Signed, Chastity."
BBJ
That one came with its own cold water.
Send that one to the dead letter office. (reads second letter) "Dear Hawkeye, Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines, along with Maneschevitz. (BJ laughs at remark) During a happier time my husband and I used to share many a bottle back in the states. Drinking this with you would bring back fond memories. Signed, Very Married."
BBJ
All you get there is a swig and a missus.
What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look morality.
BBJ
Read on rebuffed.
My heart is not in this anymore. (reads third letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I find you an incredibly exciting and vibrant man." I just had a rush of blood to my ego. "Your contest sounds like the perfect appetizer to a wonderfully intimate main course. I must admit wine does make me a little crazy but I'm sure it's nothing you cant handle." Oh this is a sick woman. "I hope you pick me Hawkeye. I have always thought you were all man. Every time you look in my eyes I turn to jelly. Signed, Sweet Preserves."
BBJ
To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives.
Home run. Turned her to jelly. What do you think is the look that jars her. Do you think its my :Rudolph Valentino:? Maybe it's the boy next door.
S9Operation Friendship
Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.
(discussing Dr. Traeger)
Do you believe this guy?
BBJ
If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
What?
BBJ
Could've really showed him.
What? What?
BBJ
Should've died, right there on the table.
Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BBJ
Well, you would.
Well, yeah.
S9No Sweat
His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.
Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
Facetious, but erroneous.
I am sorry to wake you sir but I am in the direst of straits.
(Still asleep but being led to his office) Straight. My full house beats that.
Klinger takes a mail order course in electronics, reasoning that television is the wave of the future "which means busted sets by the millions" and "Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwind of outrageous repair prices."
If those two clowns [Hawkeye and BJ) hear I got a rash my behind..I'll never hear the end of it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.