At Ease Margaret
S9No Sweat
S9Depressing News
Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
BBJ
Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.
Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
If there's a point to this, get to it.
I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Your paper what?
Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
That's cute.
S9No Laughing Matter
Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
Glad to see you using some common sense.
What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
You are using common sense, aren't you?
Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
The injustice of it all to banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying the 600 dollars he lost to me in a cribbage game. Ergo when he arrives I shall perform surgery on the first organ that presents itself.
Major I got a hospital to run and I don't want Baldwin in it.
Oh sir this might be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge. I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even.
Major, ten-hut! I need a volunteer to stay away from Baldwin and your it! (Charles tries to argue) About face! Forward Skedaddle!
The last laugh has yet to be laughed Colonel.
Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?
BBJ
Perhaps a gun. Does a Winchester carry a Deringer?
It seems unlikely.
S9Oh, How We Danced
Charles (dictating his will into his tape recorder): The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
(BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
BBJ
Bravo, bravo.
Anthropoid boors.
BBJ
What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.
BJB.J.
We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
S9Bottoms Up
Charles (addressing the mess tent): Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
Everyone (applauding): Yeah!
Klinger (looking for pants for Charles): Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.
S9The Red/White Blues
All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
Well, look under P.
Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."
Just what do you suggest we do?
Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.
BBJ
We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.
S9Bless You, Hawkeye
Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.
Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.
S9Blood Brothers
I wish you'd given me this two-day notice a couple of weeks ago.
Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.