Hello, bed. It's Captain Pierce. Can you hear me? I'm coming in, bed. [He gets into his cot and tries to get comfortable] Morpheus, don't just stand there. I'm yours.
S2Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde
A lot of nice songs came out of that war. [He starts singing] I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. [He pauses] You know that song?
No, I guess that was a little before my time.
[rubbing his eyes]: I remember lying on the rug, listening to the singing on the radio. I can still smell the rug. [He continues singing] Please have snow... and mistletoe... [a trace of moisture appears in his eye] ... And presents on the tree... [He glances again at Radar. Radar himself glances around] A lot of very touching songs came out of that war. [He sings again] When the Führer says 'We is the Master Race', we heil, pbt, heil, pbt, right in Der Führer's face...
S2Kim
[looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
Because they're under "B" for "boom."
Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
Do bagpipes get pregnant?
Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
S2L.I.P.
[seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.
[to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
CWCorporal Walker
Sort of.
Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
S2The Trial of Henry Blake
GMGeneral Mitchell
Who are you?
Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
GMGeneral Mitchell
Which is which?
Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
[Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
Did you see that?
NNurse
What?
A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye, did you see that?
What did you see?
A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
S2Dear Dad, Three
We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.
[during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
[snickers] Marion.
His folks wanted a boy.
S2The Sniper
Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.
[at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
[Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
[awakening] What's going on?
You have returned.
"You risked your life for a . . . a ketchup on rye?!"
"With butter and lettuce!"
"Funny thing, war - Never have so many suffered so much, so, so few could be so happy!!"
"We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many."
"I know, darling, and I love being both of us."
S2Carry On, Hawkeye
[responding to a plethora or requests for help] My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.