Frank Marion Burns quotes from M*A*S*H

Frank

Don't give me any of your snottiness, I am not that old dimwit you work for!

The Ohio call is mine, Major.

Frank

[Nervously chuckles] I am just having a little joke with Radar.

(sternly) And watch that dimwit talk, Burns! Your bulb's been out since I met you!

Margaret

(she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!

Frank

Margaret!

Margaret

Stuff it!!!

Frank

I had to say what I did, try to understand!

Margaret

Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!

Frank

Margaret, please!

Margaret

Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!

Frank

Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!

Frank

Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!

Margaret

(throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!

Frank

[Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!

Sold.

Hawkeye

Are alterations included?

Frank

(annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!

Radar

Sir there was just a Korean in here.

Frank

This country is crawling with Koreans. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean.

These guys from your unit?

I'm Colonel Coner

Oh, yeah. The famous advance man from Forest Lawn.

Frank

Oh, pay no attention, sir. Their sense of patriotism is stunted.

Hawkeye

Comes from smoking too many flags.

I have weighed the evidence, not just the evidence but the records of the two individuals. I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster and thoroughly non-military, but the records prove him to be a top-flight surgeon. I wouldn't want to lead a company of Pierces into battle, but I sure as hell would want him around after that battle was over!

Frank

What does the record say about MY surgical skills.

If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you would have been assigned as a pastry chef!

Frank

If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.

I'm a private.

Frank

Don't pull rank on ME!

Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?

Frank

Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.

Hawkeye

Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.

Frank

Not true. That was a drill.

Frank

Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.

Margaret

You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?

Frank

Yeah, that one.

Margaret

Don't you think she's a bit young for you?

Frank

(smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.

Frank

Pierce, you disgust me!

Hawkeye

That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.

Hawkeye

What happened?

Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!

Frank

Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?

Hawkeye

Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.

Frank

I'm not acting!

Get away from me!

Frank

Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?

Hawkeye

We promise, Frank.

What happened here?

Hawkeye

Frank shot B.J.

Frank

Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!

How bad is it?

Hawkeye

Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.

Burns

How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---

(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?

Burns

You mean the, uh---?

Right!

Burns

I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!

I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)

Burns

Well, what's so funny, Corporal?

Radar

Sorry, sir.

Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.

Burns

Permission to look for Major Houlihan

Permission denied!

Burns

But I....

No!

Burns

I'll go wait in my tent!

Frank

(Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!

(Barking at Frank) Mask!

Frank

(angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!

Burns, she asked for Pierce.

Frank

I don't believe it!

Mulcahy

(quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.

(quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!

Frank

I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!

Margaret

Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!

Frank

She's delirious.

Margaret

(almost screaming) OUT!

Frank

(angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!

Margaret

You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.

Frank

She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Hawkeye

Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.

You see a ghost?

Hawkeye

No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.

Frank

That's impossible!

Then how come he sent her a bill?

Hawkeye

We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.

Frank

Oh? And what am I?

Hawkeye

Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.

Margaret

Clumsy oaf.

Hawkeye

No prompting from the studio audience.

Frank

They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!

Margaret

Oh, shut up!