Charles Winchester quotes from M*A*S*H

Klinger

So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?

Charles

Do I still have a palate?

Klinger

I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.

Charles

For--! My last offer was thirty.

Klinger

Consider it a cost of dying increase

Charles

I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.

Klinger

Try a little more soap.

Charles

But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '37 Bordeaux. Your taking advantage of me. You know I'm an eonophile.

Klinger

Hey talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?

Charles

Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.

Charles

Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.

Klinger

Facetious, but erroneous.

Charles

I am sorry to wake you sir but I am in the direst of straits.

(Still asleep but being led to his office) Straight. My full house beats that.

Charles

Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?

Glad to see you using some common sense.

Charles

What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?

You are using common sense, aren't you?

Charles

Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.

Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.

Charles

Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?

I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.

Charles

The injustice of it all to banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying the 600 dollars he lost to me in a cribbage game. Ergo when he arrives I shall perform surgery on the first organ that presents itself.

Major I got a hospital to run and I don't want Baldwin in it.

Charles

Oh sir this might be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge. I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even.

Major, ten-hut! I need a volunteer to stay away from Baldwin and your it! (Charles tries to argue) About face! Forward Skedaddle!

Charles

The last laugh has yet to be laughed Colonel.

Bravo, bravo.

Charles

Anthropoid boors.

What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.

We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.

Charles

Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.

Margaret

All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.

Charles

Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.

Margaret

Well, look under P.

Charles

Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."

Margaret

Just what do you suggest we do?

Charles

Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.

Mulcahy

Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.

Charles

Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.

Mulcahy

What time is it in Iowa?

Charles

1882.

That's very sweet.

Hawkeye

Little twerp, just when I've gotten over him.

How about that. Our old buddy is a tycoon in the making.

Charles

Indeed. Today Ottumwa. Tomorrow Keokuk

Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.

Charles

Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.

I don't know if I can, Doc. I feel real weird.

Charles

Just stay with it.

Doc?

Charles

Hm?

You still there?

Charles

Sure.

I can't see you, hold my hand.

Charles

I am holding it.

I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.

Charles

Can you hear me?

Yes.

I smell bread.

Charles

I don't understand.

Charles

Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.

Hawkeye

You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.

Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.

Charles

The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.

Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.

Hawkeye

You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.

Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?

You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.

Charles

I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.

Sidney

Major.

Charles

Hiya.

Sidney

First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.

Charles

This is the real me.

Sidney

Sorry to hear that.