Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?

And using hair cream for penicillin?

Hawkeye

I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

Hawkeye

You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.

How so?

Hawkeye

As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.

Frank

As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret

How splendid, Major.

Henry

Very good, Frank.

Lovely.

Hawkeye

Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank

I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

Hawkeye

Her father was a horse. Did you know that?

Our engagement is off.

Henry, that suit is really you.

Hawkeye

If you're Adolphe Menjou.

Frank

Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.

Hawkeye

Hello, honey, I'm home.

Hawkeye

Any diversion is welcome, except the diversions become routine. Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think I feel closer to the people in this hospital than I've ever been to anybody else in my life, or ever expect to. [To bartender] Keep 'em coming, Kim.

On Hawkeye's tab?

Hawkeye

Right. I'm entertaining a client.

Radar

My teeth will turn purple.

Hawkeye

Women love that.

You know, I really can't wait to see the place.

Hawkeye

You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. [The fight breaks through the window behind, with only BJ noticing] So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die. Drink up, you're behind.

In other words, do your job as best you can, and shove...

Hawkeye

You got it. [Radar casually moves to the bar just as the fight crashes into their table] Please, I'm with friends.

Radar

[returning] They're all out of maraschino cherries.

Hawkeye

Kim, some more sake.

Father Mulcahy. (Sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck). Yes, of course. You're clean.

Mulcahy

Thank God, sir.

Catholic?

Mulcahy

Yes, sir.

Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?

Mulcahy

I handle all denominations. Colonel.

Any other Methodists in the outfit?

Mulcahy

Two or three.

Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.

Sir!

Chief nurse.

Yes, sir.

Ten years, spotless record.

Thank you sir.

Major Frank Burns.

Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.

Captain Pierce.

Hawkeye

Yo!

Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.

Yes sir.

You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.

Hawkeye

That was an accident.

We were having a weenie roast.

In the latrine?

We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.

Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.

Hawkeye

That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.

And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.

Hawkeye

I couldn't get a cab.

I gather you drink.

Hawkeye

Only to excess.

Hawkeye

Lie down and rest.

Klinger

I'd rather do it in my own bed.

Hawkeye

All right, go back to your tent.

Klinger

My bed in Toledo.

Radar

[On the phone] I'm trying to get the shelling stopped, it's outgoing.

Hawkeye

That's OUR stuff?

Radar

Well, we can't let them have all the fun. [Another artillery explosion briefly dims the lights; Radar turns to the phone] Yeah, 386? Yeah, this is MASH 4077th, can you cut the heavy overhead stuff? We're a hospital here, we've got patien-! [Hears from the other end of the phone]

Hawkeye

What?

Radar

He's got a suggestion, but I think it's physically impossible.

Hawkeye

Give me that phone. [Takes the phone] Who is this?

Radar

Lt. Gage.

Hawkeye

Lt. Gage? Capt. Pierce, here. Listen, those shells of yours are bouncing our guys right out of their beds, give us a break, huh? We're on the same team! [Listens to Gage's response] Uh huh...[Hands the phone back to Radar]

Radar

What did he say?

Hawkeye

You're right, Radar. He's got a lot to learn about anatomy.

Well, you are, doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell referred to in 1984 as an "un-person." [chuckles]

Hawkeye

An "un-person"? Now I'm an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing I'm undead, is at this moment mourning his "un-son."

Well, I don't know any other way out of it.

Hawkeye

Oh, you don't, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks I've shaken off this khaki coil!

Hawkeye

Very good, Frank.

They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Hawkeye

Will you stick that gun in your holster.

Frank

I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye

I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.

(sees Frank holding a bunch of guns): Burns, didn't I see your face in the wanted poster? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

Hawkeye

He does.

He will.

Frank

I do.

All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

Hawkeye

3-to-1, I'll take the Indians.

It's a bet, five bucks. What's the name of this picture?

Hawkeye

Custer's Last Stand.