A character in M*A*S*H
Played by Alan Alda
M*A*S*H · 691 quotes
Most-quoted character in M*A*S*H: in 309 of its 691 quotes
Most scenes with: BJ Hunnicutt (67), Trapper John McIntyre (45), Frank Marion Burns (36)
You are very smart, Freedman.
HawkeyeI told you.
You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.
He's on to you, Sid.
You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!
(Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
HawkeyeI will get the nurse.
South Koreans (with limited English): I will get the nurse.
HawkeyeFrank Burns eats worms.
Frank Burns eats worms.
(at show end)
(talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?
HawkeyeWell, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.
Twerp.
(Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
You tell him, Ferret Face.
(BJ intervenes to save a patient Frank gave up on)
You're going over my head, Hunnicutt!
HawkeyeEverything's over your head, Frank!
HawkeyeKlinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.
I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!
Hawkeye"Tugarraf?!"
That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.
HawkeyeAha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.
That ain't part of the test!
HawkeyeYes, but how did you know?
He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!
I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!
HawkeyeNo wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.
Radar (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie): "I love you, Walter."
Gee Dad, talkies.
Who's Walter?
Oh, that's my given name.
HawkeyeGive it back.
(A smug and cackling Frank, having lied to his wife, comes out of Potter's office, only to have a chair thrown at him! The chair breaks on impact!)
(she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!
Margaret!
Stuff it!!!
(She storms out of the office, and Frank follows her!)
I had to say what I did, try to understand!
Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Margaret, please!
Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!
(Margaret slams the door of her tent in his face)
Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!
(throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!
[Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!
Sold.
HawkeyeAre alterations included?
(annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!
[Potter has found out that he's a grandfather. He starts to cry]
(to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?
Hawkeye(tearfully) I lost the baby pool.
Well, bless my soul. I won.
A little inside information, Father?
No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!
(Several members of the 4077th are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)
HawkeyeLieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.
(slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!
Hear Hear!
(wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?
I found it in the garbage.
HawkeyeWar is such a waste!
Klinger, it's you!
(Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
(talking to his wife on the phone): I'm perfectly fine mother. Yes it's just as Radar said, I'm at the Officers Club.
I'll have another beer.
HawkeyeMay I have the next tango Major?
Take it easy, the woman's not a nitwit. What's that Mother? Oh I do respect your preminitions. Yes it was you who said my sister'd go bald. Happily your wrong this time.
Our losses were insignificant.
HawkeyeHow many kids in an insignificant?
These guys from your unit?
I'm Colonel Coner
Oh, yeah. The famous advance man from Forest Lawn.
Oh, pay no attention, sir. Their sense of patriotism is stunted.
HawkeyeComes from smoking too many flags.
Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
HawkeyeIn dresses.
Bucking for a Section 8?
The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
HawkeyeUnless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
BJ (about Hawk's chicken leg): Where'd you get that?
HawkeyeThe Petrified Forest.
...They still open?
Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.
HawkeyeYou've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.
Charles WinchesterDavid Ogden Stiers · 93 quotes
Frank Marion BurnsLarry Linville · 79 quotes
Maxwell KlingerJamie Farr · 74 quotes
Radar O'ReillyGary Burghoff · 71 quotes
Margaret HoulihanLoretta Swit · 64 quotes
TJTrapper John McIntyre60 quotes
Father MulcahyWilliam Christopher · 47 quotes
Henry BlakeMcLean Stevenson · 44 quotes
Sidney FreedmanAllan Arbus · 13 quotes
SFSam Flagg9 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.