We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
I want the lottery.
S3 E5A Dump of My Own
I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
Oh, of course he is not.
Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
What does that toilet have that I don't?
A job.
Where's Dad?
In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?
I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]
MOMan on TV
And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]
Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.
Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.
Is that its new name?
Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?
(in a sarcastic tone) Yeah, Dad. You're on to me. We've been having these wild parties. Y'know, invite some girls over, turn the lights down low, and gang-fix the sink.
S3 E6Her Cups Runneth Over
[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store.]
I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.
[watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.
S3 E7The Bald and the Beautiful
I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?
Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
Ooh! The ribbed kind?
On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
S3 E8The Gypsy Cried
Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"
MOMadam Olga
I feel very strong vibrations here.
[to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
Is the captain any good?
SStewardess
Oh, he's fabulous. [leans in] His hands are gentle, but oh-so-rough.
I meant, can he fly the plane?
SStewardess
...How would I know?
S3 E9Requiem for a Dead Barber
Al is long haired
You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machine...bring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building...unless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.
Al caves in
Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.
[Al comes in with a perm.]
You look like a fruit, Al.
Thanks, Peg.
Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.
Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.