You're not good enough for our family.
Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
S2 E22All in the Family
Ah, Peg, you were great last night. You did the one thing that many husbands want their wives to do: you were asleep when I came home and you were out of bed when I woke up. Is there anything I can do for you?
You can stop eating beans before bed.
Someone outside the family, right?
Actually, in Wanker County, no one's really "outside" the family.
Uh, what about that boy Jimmy who works at the feed store?
Yeah, I think he's family.
(Kelly's face twists in disgust as she sits back down near the kitchen table)
Uncle Irwin, are you gonna put your head in the salad bar again?
IUncle Irwin
Erm, if you're good.
S3 E1He Thought He Could
You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]
DMiss DeGroot
Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?
(flashback to Al as a child walking up to Miss DeGroot's desk to check out his books)
DMiss DeGroot
Ah, young Mr. Bundy...the devil boy. You'd like to check these out, would you? Well, I'm afraid you can't. You know why?
KAKid Al
Because I didn't bring you French fries like the other boys do?
(Steve and Al are carrying a heavy box)
Okay. We've cleaned out your garage, your backyard, and your attic. So tomorrow you're gonna help me clean out our garage, right Al?
One second...(he puts the box on the table) No.
S3 E2I'm Going to Sweatland
You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.
[Al is trying to fit shoes to three fat women.]
FWFat Woman
They don't fit and your ad says we fit every foot.
Yes ma'am, but what our problem is what we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now let's face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry white.
[The fat women are insulted and leave.]
S3 E3Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?
MMatt
Oh, yeah, the soup girl.
The soap girl. S-O-P-E.
[thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200
[thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.
S3 E4The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece)
I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
Peg?
Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
Your mother.
If I retain any more water, they could build a pier across my butt.
All three at once. What do they do, give it to each other?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.