Married... with Children Season 2 quotes

Anything else I can do for you?

Peg

Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al

Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Peggy

Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.

Al

C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the United States.

Kelly

So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?

Steve

So, where you headed?

Peggy

Well, what's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

Marcy

Greece.

Peggy

That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

Al

Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

Al

You can't let it alone, can you, Peg? This is nice. "Why can't we go to Hawaii? Why did we have to come here? Why do we have to take this car?" You know, standing here with my loving family, I have a question: why am I running from the axe?

Al

Okay. Family meeting.

Al

Alright, now, let's discuss what we know already. We're trapped by a killer. The phones are dead. And the sheriff couldn't catch an M & M in his mouth.

Steve

They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

Al

I'm home!

Steve

Listen, Al. Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is gonna come down from above: Rhoades. And I will have one word for them: Bundy.

Al

Listen, Steve. I didn't take it!

Steve

AL! We're talkin' 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers. And don't think I'm servin' time alone, bunkie. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!

Al

I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.

Peggy

Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.

Al

Some fat woman came into the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass.

Al

Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al

You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al

Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg

It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al

Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

And I'd like to say one more time, please, please watch The Late Show on FOX. All we want is a chance. Is that too much to ask for?