Married... with Children · Season 5
The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Until he goes to sleep.
Hi, Al. Did you miss me?
With every bullet so far.
Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --
(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)
A shoe salesman.
[reading TV Guide Fall Preview issue]. We Are Fami-Lee. A Chinese family with three children. [pause] Ohh! I get it! We Are Fami-Lee!
God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.
So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.
So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
[Bud enters Bundy residence]
Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".
Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.
Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.
Al{on the phone}: Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.
Bud, how old are you?
Sixteen, Dad.
Al{on the phone}: He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Well, what'd he say, Al?
Nothing I haven't said myself.
Al{on the phone}: Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
Al hangs up
There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
Gee, honey, you look like Tarzan...if he was old and gay.
Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.
Dad, all my friends are driving.
Well, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?
Al (to Bud): Son, let this be a lesson to you: Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
Fly.
(Kelly smiles, then socks Bud in the stomach)
Tapeworm.
[three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
