Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.
S6 E1She's Having My Baby: Part 1
I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!
[While watching television, a pregnant Peg turns to Al as he comes home looking similar to Simeon Pathetica.]
AAnnouncer
Note the stoop shoulders and the dull blank look.
Can I have your autograph.
S6 E2She's Having My Baby: Part 2
Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
Did you count both hands, honey?
Oh.
BBartender
So, where you headed, pal?
Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
BBartender
Oh, L.A.!
Al sees man with head buried on bar
Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...
Man lifts up head to reveal himself as Jefferson
AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...
No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.
Really?? How come?
It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.
Waitress in a low-cut leotard is in bar, gaining men's attention
WWaitress
Beer! Candy! Forged backgrounds!
How much would it be to get a background of a retired NFL player?
WWaitress
$200.
Rats, too expensive! What can I get for $1?
WWaitress
The background of a shoe salesman from Illinois.
Just give me some gum. Waitress departs I do not need a forged background; I can invent my own. My new name will be...Al unwraps gum...Bazooka Joe!
Good one. I can reinvent myself as...Jefferson looks at beer can...Anheuser Busch!
S6 E3If Al Had A Hammer
That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.
You mean Grandpa Hook?
Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.
Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
Al actually succeeds at building his mancave. He hears knock on door
Ah, must be that new wife I ordered from Ukraine.
Al is met by Jefferson
Marcy and I had a fight and she threw me out. Can I stay here?
When I built my own room; I meant it for me.
Please, Al?
All right, one night. But tell no one.
Screen flips to a bunch of guys hanging out in Al's man cave
S6 E4Cheese, Cues And Blood
Dad, you got a minute?
For you, Bud? Nah.
I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?
Mommy's second little joke on me?
The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.
Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...
That's Grandmaster, you fool!
Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!
The Grandmaster will not forget this.
[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp.]
Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...
[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table.]
Say goodnight, Super Fly.
[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?
Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.
S6 E5Looking For A Desk In All The Wrong Places
Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.
You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
GMs. Garcia
Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Our countries are very much alike.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.