Peggy Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peggy

Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget.

Kelly

I hope that isn't true, Mom.

Peggy

How about a hug?

Bud

Can't, Mom. You got cooties.

Steve

So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?

Al

What I always knew I would.

Peggy

Al, I heard a strange sound. What is it?

Al

Family, I have an announcement. I have money.

Bud

Where's Dad?

Peggy

In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.

Peggy

[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?

Al

I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy

Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?

Al

No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]

And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.

Al

Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?

Peggy

Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

Al

Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.

Peggy

Is that its new name?

Peggy

Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?

Al

Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peggy

Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al

I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!

Peggy

You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

Al

Coke.

Peggy

Coke.

Bud

Coke.

Kelly

Jack and a beer back.

Peggy

Just wait till I remember one of your birthdays!

Kelly

Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Bud

And an empty one.

Al

Bud, how old are you?

Bud

Sixteen, Dad.

Peggy

Well, what'd he say, Al?

Al

Nothing I haven't said myself.

Al

There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!

Peg

Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?

Al

Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Al

I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.

Peggy

[talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.

Al

Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Peggy

Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud

Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

Peggy

Well, honey, we're finally alone. I know what will take your mind off that record for a minute - You could make love to me 4 times!

Al

Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant but a goodie.

Peggy

Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

Al

I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

Bud

Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

Peggy

Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

Al

He said, "The colors. The colors. Has anyone seen my good friend, John," then he lit up a banana and hung up.

Al

Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... "Mmm Mmm him".

Bud

I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to it!

Al

Get out of my way. (Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Peg and Kelly) Peg, Peg, you're old, you know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

Peggy

Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids.

Peggy

Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...

Al

Or my "beauty-fool" wife.

Al

[removes a plunger from a wall safe] This is a job for Old Betsy.

Peggy

Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?

Al

Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.