Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Al

Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.

Al

Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al

[three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

Al

Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Al

How come you guys didn't come? Look at all these socks.

Al

I get it, these are new. You want used.

Al

[singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al

[in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!

Al

You know that new aerobics center up above me. The one with the sign "Quarter-ton Discount"? Well today they played Van Halen's "Jump" & damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful Peg. The ceiling opened up down they came walking off the set.

Al

I was not born to be a busboy. I'm a shoe-man born & bred damn it.

Al

Can this be true? Am I not a man I laughed at as a child?

Al

The winning touchdown and son, that is the story of the greatest sport moment in all of history.

Al

The victory was ours, for the school, the championship, & for me, all city, & the legend, & then your mother... the end. OH GOD!

Al

I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

Al

I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.