Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Al

Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Al

Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Al

[narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al

As I watched her leave, I suddenly realized, she really did put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp.

Al

[embarrassed, narrating] Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

Al

Where the music stinks and they water the drinks -- the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants -- the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut -- the nudie bar.

Al

Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Al

Let me tell you something, I served my country. I played high school football. Four touchdowns in one game, yet I'm not exempt of state and federal taxes. Is this how you treat us heroes? No, you flash that badge to some registered voter. We're Bundys, we hate cops!

Al

We're going to take a Sunday drive.

Al

Just for that, you ride in the back seat with your mother.

Al

Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it, Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that--with love--from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Al

Don't mind me, son, just avoiding your mother. Hey now, what's this? Hooters, absolutely no faces.

Al

Bud, did you do this? [short pause] Oh God look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot!

Al

I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, God never made a nicer butt.

Al

See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

Al

Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.

Al

Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.