KKaren
Darn it!
S3Cynthia's Back
S3Hal's Birthday
Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
NO!
Excuse me?
I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]
There's no reasoning with that woman!
I thought you made some good points.
It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
[giggles] Hey, that's what we're doing!
[After the family learns Francis has gotten married to a girl named Piama]
Why can't you just be happy for us!?
We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?
I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?
[In the boys' room, while Francis and Lois are having a heated argument outside...]
This family sucks. They don't care anything about us. They don't even listen to us. Let's out of here.
To the demolition derby?
No, I mean let's really get out of here and get away from these people.
Where are we gonna go?
[pulls out Hal's credit card from his pocket] Wherever this takes us. I snagged it out of dad's wallet this morning.
You knew we were gonna need it tonight?
Uh... yeah.
I'm in.
Yeah, but...
[After the family discovered the boys' at the hotel after running away from home...]
Okay, boys, get your things. We're going home.
No! We're not going back there.
Okay, Well, you can't stay in this hotel room forever. What are you gonna do, live under a bridge and steal food out of dumpsters?
I don't know, but we're not going home! We've had it with the way you treat us, and we've hat it with all the yelling!
You are a terrible influence on us!
All you ever do is scream!
And order us around!
There's something wrong with this family! Families should have some way of communicating besides yelling!
Okay, everybody, calm down. I understand what you're saying, I'm not gonna yell, I'm not going to scream. We are capable of talking about this without raising our voices. Now, boys, I want you to understand I'm sorry about what happened. But you have to understand I get a little emotional when I learned that my oldest son was acting like an idiot and throwing his life away. Now that doesn't mean-- [gets splashed with water. It's revealed that Francis' wife, Piama threw water at her.]
Stop talking about him like that! Francis is my heart!
S3Hal Coaches
[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
EEd
Oh my god, how much do you know?
Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!"
EEd
"Keep your voice down."
You have to stop this?
Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!
Dewey just became Pope.
And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.
S3Dewey's Dog
[In Dewey's imagination] Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember? We want you to be miserable.
[Lois comes in the kitchen and catches Dewey eating a meal meant for her and Hal, covering for his dog Marshmallow. Later on Hal is home confronting him]
I don't understand it! An entire roast, with your bare hands?! The–the–the–the salad, the potatoes, the–the green beans?! What do you have to say for yourself?
I was hungry, I guess.
This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.
Not yet. I have a hunch.
An entire stick of butter?!
Now, lets tell them now.
Wait for it.
Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?
[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.
[Lois is disgusted with him.]
That's it, you are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped.
You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft. I can see paste come up from the top of the popsicle stick.
MMrs. Meekitjuk
I'm sorry, I have Arthritis.
That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.
[The former commandant leaves and the other elderly residents starts despising him similar to Eric and the other Marlin cadets did.]
S3Poker #2
[After Malcolm's half-assed efforts to destroy a gun nearly end in a shooting]
CCop
So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?
Yes, I know.
CCop
What did you say your I.Q. was?!
S3Clip Show
Can I have a piece of candy?
PPsychiatrist
No.
S3Jury Duty
[In the sewers]
Oh man, we're lost!
What?! No!
[feigning panic] Oh man! What are we gonna do?! [to Malcolm, smugly] Nice! We got him crying, the pansy!
No, we really are lost!
[truly panicked] What?! What are we gonna do?!
I knew it! I knew you were gonna find some way to ruin this for me! Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable! And now I get to die in the sewer! A perfect end to a crappy life!
Shut up, Dewey!
All right, let's focus on finding a way out of here. Stevie's mom must be worried about him--
Shut up... about... my mom!
What? I simply made a comment.
You're... a perv!
I can't help it if have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.
Well... they don't... return... the favor!
What does that mean?
Girls... hate you.
That's not true!
Yes, it is. Come on, Reese, you're a joke.
Yeah, even I know it.
AArtie
I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.
Shut your trap, that's a mole. (to Pete) And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.
PPete
I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.
All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots. And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else (eric makes a face) this is ridiculous let's just vote on it.
Who Votes for Francis? (everyone except Francis raises their hand)
Who Votes for Eric? (everyone except Eric raises their hand) Artie? (everyone raises their hands again) Pete? (everyone raises their hand) Four votes, the hut is spoken.
PPete
No, you tricked me. no, no---- (eric and artie drag pete out the cabin door as francis watches in disgust) he'll reject me, i've tried me, i taste awful (cackling)
All right, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done. I'm not proud of it but i really don't think we had a choice.
Like i care about your opinion on anything.
Wait a minute. Why do we hear eating?
(truck engine starts) He Got To The Truck!
FEFrancis, Eric & Artie
Pete! Pete! Pete!
PPete
See ya back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!
S3Cliques
Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get an infection.
I'm bored!
Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.
But that's not fair.
I WILL BLAME YOU!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.